Being There
by Su Freund
Summary: Sam is devastated by the sudden death of Pete, but Jack is there to comfort her
1. Being There Part 1: The Wrong Time

Title: Being There Part 1: The Wrong Time

Author: Su Freund

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst / Romance

Content Warnings: Character death. Minor use of mild language

Pairings: Jack & Sam (Sam & Pete)

Season: 8

Spoilers: Cold Lazarus, The Devil You Know, Chimera, Heroes II, New Order (S8)

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Sam is devastated by the sudden death of Pete, but Jack is there to comfort her.

Sequel/Series Info: None

Status: Series, 1 of 4

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2004 Su Freund

File Size: 66 KB

Archive: My site, Jackfic yes, SJD yes, Gateworld, FanFiction Net

Author's Note: This was inspired, albeit inadvertently, by a mail from ) Trish (Carter). It ignores canon after New Order. Special thanks, as ever to Bonnie for her beta of this fic. Her suggestions about my first draft made this version much better than it might have been. Also, many thanks are due to the wonderful Phil for agreeing to create the lovely artwork which illustrates this series. You can view his gorgeous artwork for this part on my site at the address above.

**Being There Part 1: The Wrong Time**

Jack approached Sam's lab with trepidation. 'Why does it have to be me?' He pondered. 'Okay, so I'm her CO and, sure, I'm her friend too, but this is crap!' He guessed there was a certain irony, justice, kismet and perverse satisfaction that it was him who had to tell her, and at the news itself, but that didn't make it any the less crap!

He stood watching her for a few seconds, but she sensed his presence, as always. He never seemed to be able to get away with just watching her these days; she always appeared to know and he felt awkward when he got caught. Ever since Pete and her... He shuddered and swallowed hard, as she smiled brightly in greeting, and thought, 'Sorry Sam, I'm gonna be wiping that smile right off your face.'

"General," She greeted him, "you need to see me about something, Sir?" She started prattling on about her important experiment and she would only be a few seconds, yadda, yadda, yadda.

"Carter, stop! Please! I need to tell you something." His voice came out sounding irritable, which was so not the tone he wanted to set. "I'm sorry Carter; it's important." This last was more gentle and subdued. "Can you put that down, please?" She held some sort of doohickey in her hand. He had no idea what it was but it probably wasn't a good idea for her to be holding it when he told her this news.

She put it down as requested and he moved around to her side of the table, which surprised her. She looked at him expectantly.

"Sir?"

"I... I'm not sure how to say this Sam." His use of her first name should have alerted her to the gravity of his visit; he rarely called her Sam and normally only when it was bad, very bad or even worse. "I guess I'd better just come right out with it. I got a call from Denver PD; Pete got shot while pursuing a suspect." The expression on her face immediately changed to one of deep concern. "I'm sorry, Sam, but he... he didn't make it."

She looked at him blankly for a moment as if trying to comprehend.

"Didn't make it? Bullshit! What do you wanna go and make something like that up for?"

"Sam I would never joke about something like that." She didn't seem to want to take it in.

"No!" She cried, "It's not possible!" Her tone was vitriolic.

"Sam, I'm so sorry."

"Screw you!"

Under normal circumstances he might have retorted with "That's screw you, Sir, Carter" but refrained. It seemed she was about to hit out at him. She was going to hit him? He was shocked. His slender, but powerful, fingers stopped her, grabbing her wrists. She struggled and swore but he held on regardless, even when she kicked him in the shin in her frustration and ire. Talk about shooting the messenger; her expression was one of pure hatred and that hurt, but he pushed his own feelings to one side.

This behaviour was so unlike her. He might have been angry but knew too well that grief did terrible things; with an intimacy that he didn't even want to remember. Barely managing to contain her, he barked in General O'Neill mode.

"Stop it, Colonel, and that's an order!"

It worked because she desisted and then looked at him horror-struck in realisation of what she had just done; striking a senior officer was a serious offence. Sam turned white as a sheet and went totally quiet. She looked at the floor, unable to face him, and he loosed his grip of her. When she didn't say anything, or move, he ventured cautiously to say something, both apprehensive and concerned about her reaction.

"Carter?"

"I... sorry Sir. You could have me up on charges."

'Yeah, right!' he thought.

"I know that isn't really you Sam. It's okay."

"No it's not. I'm so sorry." Her face was a picture of misery, "General, do you think you could leave me alone for a while?" Voice quivering, she was trying to be stoic.

"I don't think so." He replied. No way was he just going to drop news like that on her and then walk away. What did she take him for?

"For God's sake just leave me alone!" She was more vehement this time.

"No." He replied simply and just stood close, waiting for a sign that she wanted his comfort. He longed for her to want that from him; it was probably all he could give, unless he counted being Sam's punch bag as one of his lifelong ambitions, which he did not.

"This is personal sir and nothing to do with you as my CO." There was bitterness in her voice that hit him like punch in the gut.

"Jesus Sam, I might have been notified because I was your CO but I'm here as your friend. Please let me help you, be here for you." Silence. "Sam?"

She could hear the note of anxiety, and he rarely called her Sam unless he was worried. She had only just noticed his use of her first name but dimly recalled that he'd referred to her as Sam what was probably a record number of times since he'd walked into her lab.

"General...I..."

Her eyes were brimming with tears. Knowing that she wouldn't normally wish to show that raw emotion in front of him did not deter Jack from risking touching her arm. Whatever else might have happened between them, or not, he was her friend and her CO. He wanted to be there for her, the shoulder to cry on if needed. Always there, good old General O'Neill; it beat some of the alternatives.

She was still sitting and turned her head into his stomach, putting her arms around him and allowing the tears to fall freely at last. Taken aback, he moved his hands to lightly grasp her shoulders, and then squatted down to her, catching a quick glimpse of her distraught face before she buried it in his neck. The tears continued.

"I'm here, Sam, I'm here. It'll be okay." A little embarrassed, he whispered softly, hating that something had happened to upset her this way, but pleased he was there for her.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, Jack caressing her in comfort while she continued to sob. At last she drew slightly away from him and looked into his face.

"I'm so sorry Sir. I... Oh God!" She looked down. "This is so embarrassing. I..."

Although he was also discomforted by her outburst, he made no effort to loose his hold of her, but instead stroked her hair.

"Sam, you don't have to feel embarrassed. Please don't. Just let it all out." His voice was quiet and soothing.

"Is that an order Sir?" There was that bitterness again.

"Of course not." His voice continued with its reassuring tones. "Do you want me to call Daniel... or someone?"

It hurt him to think that she might want someone other than him at this moment of stark grief, but accepted this might be so. They had their moments, but he and Sam were scarcely intimate, however much he might have wished for that to be the case. He noted that she shook her head slightly and took that as a 'no'.

Jack reflected on the call he'd received earlier from Pete's Captain. Apparently Pete's partner in the Denver PD had suggested that Sam be notified as his family might not think of it and she deserved to be told quickly. Captain Walker had tracked Sam through the JAG office and, having no wish to confront a possibly hysterical woman, asked for her CO's contact details. Passing the buck seemed appropriate; her CO was a General, no less, and that's what General's got paid huge amounts of money for, wasn't it?

Jack continued to stroke her hair, and in response she clung to him, burying her head in his shoulder again, although the sobbing had stopped. It was a long while before she spoke and Jack was beginning to feel physical discomfort from his crouched position. Don't blow it Jack, he thought, willing himself to ignore it.

Poor Sam! This had to happen? His heart broke for her, although his feelings were confused. He thought it better to analyse all of that later. Right now, Sam needed him and that was enough. He could hardly admit to himself, never mind Sam, that the news had given him some perverse pleasure. He didn't like to see her hurt, let alone be the one to do the hurting; if she hurt, so did he.

"I'm so sorry Sam." He said, again, sympathetically. It seemed woefully inadequate. He was shocked when she drew back from him at his words.

"What are you sorry about? You never even liked him." The bitterness was back in her voice again: accusatory.

"Sam! Please. Does any of that matter?"

She was right, of course. Go figure! No one was good enough for 'his' Sam; no one should have taken her away from him. He'd felt bereft ever since he'd found out about them, as if he was missing a part of himself, and as time passed the feeling had worsened. He tried hard not to show it but couldn't believe she didn't realise how hurt he was.

Jack had a history of deliberately provoking Pete. His usual sarcasm in Pete's company was way above and beyond even Jack O'Neill's normal form. He knew it angered Sam but he did it anyway. Needless to say he didn't see them together very often; she kept them apart as much as possible. He could more than live with that, but hated her disapproval - and that it meant he saw her less. He couldn't bear to see her with him, so it served its purpose.

"I'm sorry." She stated simply, and he believed she meant it.

"You don't need to apologise to me. I guess I deserve it." He admitted, surprising her.

"No, you don't. Not really." She looked up into his eyes again. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"You know." He noticed that lack of the 'Sir' normally so prevalent in her words to him. She was talking to Jack, not her CO and this was unusual. He nodded to acknowledge that he did know.

"Sam. Do you want to go home? You shouldn't be here. Not when... You're too upset."

"Sure. Go home. I guess I ought to do that Sir."

Despite the addition of 'Sir' again, she sounded forlorn and heart broken. He figured that should not come as a surprise. She had, after all, just found out that her boyfriend had died. That had to hurt one heck of a lot. She was probably still suffering from shock, and would for quite a while. He remembered that feeling and it brought him no joy that she should have to suffer it.

"I'll take you." He offered.

"No, General, you can't do that."

"Would you rather I didn't?" He would understand if she didn't want him to but hoped she would say that she did.

"You have duties Sir."

In other circumstances Jack might have laughed bitterly at that. Sure... duties; they were the pesky things that had destroyed the concept that something might happen between him and Sam.

"Some things are more important than duties Carter." He replied, wishing he'd thought that years ago, as things might have been different now. "Besides, I have a duty to you too; you're my friend and I care about you. I want to help Sam, if you think I can. I'm not indispensable, you know... I'd like to take you, if you..." He did not want to assume that she would and believed that she probably wouldn't.

"I'd like that." She responded. He noted the lack of 'Sir' again and knew it meant something. Nodding, he slowly eased away from his grasp of her, standing to pick up the phone and quickly making arrangements to cover his absence.

"No I don't want the car. I have my own transport." He said into the phone. "I'll keep my mobile on."

"Come." He said to Sam when he'd finished the call. He took her hand and then, realising what he'd done, quickly released it again. He could feel his face flush. Dammit! He was such an old fool.

Having left the base trying to draw as little attention as possible, a difficult thing for a General to do, he drove her home in silence.

"Thank you Sir." She said when they pulled up in front of her door.

"Do you want me to come in?" He asked and she nodded.

"I could use some company." She replied, surprising herself, as earlier she had been wishing to be alone.

Once inside the house she wondered aimlessly to the kitchen with Jack in tow.

"Can I get you something Sir?" She offered.

"For God's sake Sam, sit down," he said, "let me."

He placed his hand in the small of her back and led her out of the kitchen, sitting her on the couch.

"What can I get you Sam?" He asked.

"Ummm... large scotch, please Sir."

"Can't you drop the 'Sir'?" He asked.

Walking over to her liquor cabinet, he poured her one but did not help himself because he wanted a clear head. Instead, he passed the glass to her and disappeared to the kitchen to get a diet coke. It would suffice. When he returned he sat and put his arm around her, gently pulling her towards him. She rested her head on his shoulder, relaxing in his arms and letting him give her the comfort she needed and wanted from him. This is why he was there. Neither of them spoke for a long time.

"What is it with me and men?" She said eventually, "All the men I care about died on me." Jack was well aware of her reputed black widow curse.

"I'm still here." He ventured.

"I know. But you know what I mean."

"Yeah."

It was no comfort to be reminded of what she meant, and that exclusive list sadly seemed to exclude him. Maybe he should be relieved as he was, after all, still alive. He pushed away such thoughts.

"I really am cursed." She muttered.

"That's dumb and you know it." His tone lacked ridicule, but was sympathetic. "This thing with you and Pete lasted months." It was painful to think about that.

"All that means is that it lasted longer, not that I'm not cursed." She posited.

"Oh Sam...!" He stroked her cheek softly with the back of his fingers. "I wish I could do something." He hated to feel helpless when one of his team was in trouble. Sam wasn't merely a member of his team, she was the woman he loved and that made him doubly powerless.

"You are doing something, and God bless you for that." She replied in a whisper, making Jack smile a little.

"I did love him, you know?" She said.

Jack so did not want to hear that, but would listen to whatever she needed to say anyway. His heart wrenched at the words and he figured that, despite her relationship with Pete, he had always hoped she still loved him. Totally untrue it seems. He had been deluding himself and would have to learn to live with that, concentrating on friendship.

"I'm going to miss him so much." She added, rubbing salt into Jack's wound.

"Sam. I'm so sorry." It was all he could think of to say. "I hate seeing you hurting like this."

"I know."

She reached to touch his face, causing him to shiver with longing for her. The room was rapidly darkening but neither of them made a move to turn on lights. Jack idly wondered what time it was but decided to live in the moment. Despite her words it felt so good to hold her in his arms; to be of some use to her as a friend, if nothing more.

"This is strange," She said, "That it should be you here, now." Jack couldn't help but agree with that assessment but stayed silent, absently continuing to stroke her face. Eventually he spoke.

"Do you want me to go? Shall I call someone else?" He felt her grip him hard.

"No, Jack, please don't."

Jack! It took these circumstances for her to call him that at last? There was a lot of irony in that; the whole situation was full of it.

"It's alright Sam. I'm here as long as you need me. I'm not leaving unless you want me to."

He felt, rather than heard, her start sobbing again. Dammit! Had he started her off somehow?

"I don't deserve you to be here." Her voice was full of pain and he squeezed her gently.

"Of course you do Sam. I've always been here." That was only too true, in his heart.

"That's why I don't deserve it." She said miserably and he could think of no answer to that so said nothing.

After a long while of sitting silently in the dark holding each other, Sam pulled away from him and got up, putting on lights and closing out the world outside.

"Are you hungry?" Jack asked.

"Not really."

"You should eat Sam."

"I don't think so."

"I can't have my officers making themselves ill. Do you want me to make it an order?"

Although he hated to pull rank at a time like this, he was genuinely concerned. He knew she hadn't eaten that day. He'd heard rumours that she had been stuck in her lab for over 12 hours with no sleep and nothing to eat; the rumours had been Daniel Jackson shaped. In fact, he'd been about to go give Sam her marching orders, force her to eat and sleep, when Captain Walker called with the news.

"You're the General, General." She replied and he hoped he could persuade her back to Jack.

"Well, I'm hungry anyway." He claimed, "I'll order pizza."

He called in the order. Sam did not come back to sit down, rather she paced the room looking angry.

"Something I've said?" He asked once he'd finished the call.

"It's not you, it's him." Pete! Of course Pete, how could Jack have thought otherwise? "How could he go and get himself killed? The stupid son of a bitch!"

Boy, was she pissed. It wasn't often that you heard that sort of language from Sam's lips, despite her background with the armed forces.

"He loved you Sam. He would never have deliberately hurt you. You know that." Jack couldn't believe he was saying this. Besides, it was a dumb response to her heartfelt anger.

"Dammit Jack, just let me be angry!"

Jack again? He was surprised. He sat back and watched her pace out her anger and pain, listening to her curse Pete for leaving her. Each word felt like a stab wound to his heart as it only emphasised her love for a man other than him. She was still doing it when the pizza arrived, so he left her to it and went to answer the door, grateful for the respite. Then he went through to her kitchen, found plates and took some slices of the pizza for both of them back through to her. She'd sat back down on the couch.

"Here. Eat." He said, handing her a plate and sitting beside her once more. "And no it's not General's orders, Sam," he added when he saw her expression, "it's Jack's orders."

He hadn't really considered himself hungry until he smelled the pizza, so he tucked in with relish and eyed Sam fiddling with hers. After a while she picked up a slice and took a small bite, and then she started to eat with more enthusiasm, surprising herself.

"It's good, thanks." She told him and when she'd finished, he got more, which she also demolished. Not exactly the most nutritious food around, but it probably had all the right food values; they were just in the wrong proportions, that's all. He should have ordered salad but hadn't been thinking. A quick look in Sam's refrigerator had revealed very little. It looked a bit like his - almost empty. They obviously both put grocery shopping at the bottom of their long list of things to do.

"I guess I'm gonna have to call Denver," Sam said later, "find out what's happening... arrangements... I could drive up there."

"Can I call anyone for you?" he offered but she shook her head.

"I'll call Jim, his partner; he's a nice guy."

"You've met?" She nodded again and then fell silent.

"Call tomorrow. You need to rest. You look whacked out Sam. Go to bed; get some sleep. I'd better leave."

"Can't you stay?" She asked quickly and he was surprised at the vehemence in her voice.

"Stay? You mean stay over? Sam..."

She reached over a hand and took one of his, and Jack sensed her need to have someone there. It probably didn't have to be him, he just happened to be on hand.

"Ok. I'll sleep on the couch. And all you need to do is call."

"There is a spare bedroom Sir." 'Sir'. It was probably just as well that she ensured he knew his place, he thought.

"A bed? Luxury." He joked, and smiled to cover his unease. "Come on then. Bed Sam. It's late and you need to rest."

"Yes Sir."

He stood with her hand still in his and led her to her bedroom.

"Get ready and I'll come and tuck you in?" He said. "I need to make a call."

The need to call the SGC to let them know his whereabouts allowed him to give her some privacy for a while. He pondered what to say on the phone, not thinking that 'yeah I'm at Carter's place but I'm sleeping in the spare room honest" would be appropriate. In the end he played enigmatic, merely saying he was at a friend's and could be reached through his mobile.

It was hard for a General to make himself unavailable. He'd recently spent a lot of time empathising with what George Hammond must have gone through on a daily basis. It sucked. He thought his life had never been his own when he'd been a Colonel. If only he'd known. Oy!

"Sam? You decent?"

He called to her softly and when he received no response crept quietly along the hallway to her room. She was asleep, fully clothed. Well he wasn't volunteering to take off her clothes and put her to bed. No siree! That was asking too much of a red blooded male. He crept into the room and took off her shoes and he would do no more than that.

She was on top of the covers, so he looked around for a blanket to cover her with. As he pulled one off a top shelf of a cupboard, a small box fell down and scattered its contents over the floor. Damn! He looked to see if Sam had stirred. Maybe it was just as well that she hadn't slept for so many hours before this. Daniel had said at least 12 straight so that had to make it 17 or 18 by now. He hoped that meant she'd stay out for the night.

Gently, he laid the blanket over her and leaned to kiss her cheek.

"Sweet dreams Sam." He whispered and then turned to quietly clear up the mess.

It was photographs and other memorabilia, reminding him of a certain small box he kept in his locker at the SGC. In that he had photos, of his family, his son, plus other oddments that had been important in his life. Just put it all back, don't look O'Neill, he told himself. But he couldn't help but glimpse at the odd thing as he picked it up from the floor and threw it back into the box.

One photo gave him pause and he sank to the floor and stared at it. It was him, with Sam. Where had she got a picture of the two of them together? He couldn't recall having seen one, but trying to remember where it came from dredged up nothing from his currently befuddled brain.

Jack coveted it as he had no pictures of Sam and often wished he did. She'd put this one in a box at the top of her cupboard so probably wouldn't even miss it. He pocketed it guiltily. If she ever looked at it she wouldn't have it in the top of her cupboard, he reasoned.

On her dresser stood a picture of her with Pete; she knew her priorities. It hurt like hell although he couldn't fathom why it should hurt so. You'd expect a woman to have a picture of the man she loved close to her, wouldn't you? He shouldn't be surprised.

After putting the box away he went to ensure the house was secured and sat watching TV for a while. He didn't want to think and needed something to distract him. Eventually he dragged himself towards bed, believing he was tired and ready to sleep and wanting to be closer to Sam in case she needed him. He stopped off to look in on her and make sure she was alright. Once more he leaned over, this time to kiss her hair. Her scent was intoxicating and he longed to touch her, but didn't dare do more than he already had. He thought anything further might be considered borderline perverted and, in any event, would never take advantage of such a situation.

Once in bed he was restless and couldn't sleep, wishing he'd just stayed up to watch TV and eventually fallen asleep on the couch, even if it would wreak havoc with his back.

The relationship between Sam and Pete had lasted a lot longer than he had hoped it might. Jack had thought she'd had feelings for him, knew she did, but clearly she had found someone who could make her happy and he tried to let it make him happy too. He had hoped she would turn away from Pete of her own accord, realising she loved him after all. It was a stupid dream. Now Pete was dead and Jack would never know whether she might have chosen him instead. Pete would always be there. There was nothing like a martyr; Jack knew he couldn't top that.

Jack's life had seemed pretty bleak of late. Faith and hope were the things that had kept him going through the dark periods of his life. Now he had neither. She could never choose him over Pete because that choice had been taken away from her. The thought depressed him. He'd wanted to win her on his own merits and now he never would. All he had to hang onto was friendship. It would have to do.

This was why he hadn't wanted to think. Thinking was bad and only depressed him. It pulled him down into the dark depths of his own soul and he too often hated what he saw there: loneliness; bitterness; emptiness. It was unpleasant to say the least. At times like this he tried to push away the bad things that had happened over the years and concentrate on the good. Right now he was finding it hard to think of any good. If he took Sam out of the equation there wasn't much left anymore.

Jack thought he heard a noise and strained his ears. It was Sam and she was crying again. He'd never seen her like this before; she was normally so restrained and military. Of course, he'd never seen her in a similar situation before either. He got up and wondered to her room. Her sobs tore at him and he wanted to take her in his arms and make them go away. He could try. So he sat on the side of her bed and reached out to her.

"Jack!" She cried and sat up to pull him into a hug. He clung to her tightly, rocking her gently in his arms.

"Shhhh, Sam. It's ok, I'm here." He wished he knew the magic words, but he didn't.

Sam lay down, pulling him with her and he stretched out on the bed next to her, continuing to hold her in his arms, until she fell asleep again a long time later. He could hardly sleep at all. It's a hard thing to hold the woman you love in your arms but still be so far away from her and he grieved that lack of intimacy.

Yet this was so intimate, not in any sexual sense, but more a state of mind. Her physical proximity, the tender familiarity, was so rare and stirred something inside. If he didn't keep it zipped up tight he was going to lose the self-control that he'd exercised so carefully for months. This wasn't about him, he reminded himself, it was about Sam and her loss. Knowing more than a little something about that, he hoped she didn't take this as badly as he might in similar circumstances. That could be pretty bad. If it was Sam who had died... he couldn't even bring himself to voice it in his head.

She had brought fresh air into his life when he'd needed it. Daniel and the boys from Abydos had all but raised him from the dead. Then the SGC, Carter and SG-1 had breathed life back into him. She had played a major role in helping him maintain that fiction over the years. It was only now he was beginning to realise quite how much of it had been an imaginary tale. If he thought too hard about that he realised it was all pretty pathetic, so he tried to avoid thinking, without much success.

As he lay there awake he made up his mind what he should do. Stick by Sam, support her in any way she needed until she was getting over this. Then he would resign and retire to Minnesota, dying a lonely, bitter and empty old man. It seemed a fitting end for Jack O'Neill. 'Good God, Jack, stop being so melodramatic,' he chided himself.

Thinking he was being ridiculous seemed to help him pull back from the brink. Not long after that he fell asleep, fully clothed and still wearing his boots.

Sam woke with a start next morning waking him right along with her.

"General O'Neill!" She exclaimed with shock.

"Yeah, that's me." He quickly pulled himself away from their physical proximity, sitting up quickly on the side of the bed.

"Oh Sir... I... oh God... I..." As she started to recall what had happened the previous night, she couldn't manage a coherent sentence. "Did anything happen last night? Between us?" She asked and he was surprised.

"Don't you think you'd remember?" He asked.

"I don't know," was her disturbing reply. He doubted he was particularly great, if it came down to it, but was a little put out that she thought he would be so totally forgettable. Luckily nothing like that had happened.

"Do you feel like I made love to you? Women can normally tell these things you know. Besides, we're fully clothed Carter. What could have happened?" His tone was sarcastic.

Sam looked at herself, at him, and then blushed profusely. How stupid could she be? As if she couldn't tell; as if she would forget!

'It would have been that bad if something had happened?' Jack's mind questioned.

"Yes Sir. Stupid of me." She was flushed with embarrassment. "Thank you Sir, for being here."

"Anytime Carter. You know that. I guess I should get home, changed and to the SGC. How you feeling? I guess that's a dumb question?" He added, sheepishly.

"I'll be alright sir." He thought she looked pretty numb. That would be normal.

"I hope you weren't planning on coming into the SGC today."

"I... are you telling me to take the day off Sir?"

"Ummm... I think so."

"Well... ok. I guess I won't be much use there. I'll call Jim, maybe drive up Denver."

"I'm not sure you should drive up there today Sam." Knowing she was still suffering from the shock, he was worried she'd be too distracted.

"I'll be fine."

Jack sighed heavily. Short of locking her up, he could do nothing to stop her doing as she wished.

"Well... umm... just... be careful, okay?"

"I always am Sir."

Yeah, that had been part of their problem; they were both too damned careful.

"Right. I need to get to the mountain Sam. Duty calls." He admitted reluctantly. "But will you be alright alone? Do you want someone else to come over?"

"I probably need some time alone General." She shook her head to emphasise her refusal of some else's company. In truth she was thinking it was Jack she needed, or no one, and was ashamed of that thought.

"Sure."

"Wouldn't you like some coffee before you go Sir?"

"Mmm... sure, you twisted my arm." He was reluctant to leave and she was unwilling to let him. "I'll go make some."

"I'll do it." She saw his expression. "I want to do it." She added. "Do you want to take a shower here Sir?"

He looked at his watch and figured he probably wouldn't get home. He'd sort it out when he got to the SGC; get showered and changed. Once again, duty was standing in the way of what he really wanted to do; although he believed Sam when she said she needed to be alone. He'd have coffee and go, calling by later to check on her. It was a compromise he would have to live with.

"I'll wait until I get to the SGC, if you can bear the bad odour." He joked; sniffing under his arms, and was pleased to see a faint smile on Sam's lips in response.

"I think I've smelled you worse Sir." He laughed at her comment.

"No doubt you have Carter."

A lot worse, he thought. She's seen too much of me at my worst, so why wouldn't she be thrilled to have met a great, young guy who loved her? Jack didn't want to place too much emphasis on the 'young' part. He was worried he was actually beginning to feel his age at last. The life he'd led, he probably deserved to feel way older than that, if not be dead already, so he shouldn't complain.

They drank coffee without speaking very much and he decided he was way overdue to leave. He had a pre-mission briefing with SG-13 this morning. Dave Dixon was bound to be cheerfully pessimistic as usual. He liked the guy, and he was good at the job, but figured that his four children had sent him ever so slightly crazy. Or that is what you would believe if you listened to Dixon. Like Jack, he kept his real feelings close to his chest. Jack, however, knew that Dave totally adored his kids. Jack hated too much early morning chirpiness. He wondered if he had ever been that infuriating to Hammond and believed he probably had. Oh boy!

"I'd better go now Sam. I'll drop by later, if you're here, or call?" He was kind of asking her permission and she nodded agreement.

Before he got up to leave he briefly took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Call me if you need to. Anytime Sam. Ok? I mean it."

"I know. Thanks."

She returned his hand squeeze and then he let go and got up, leaving without looking back again. He couldn't bear to look back. Once he'd gone Sam thought about the previous day, and night.

Pete, dead. It seemed unbelievable, yet it had always been a possibility for either of them with their dangerous professions. Pete had been her lifeline to something normal in her otherwise unusual and startlingly hazardous existence. Now he was gone. She wasn't sure it had sunk in yet.

She remembered that getting used to the death of a loved one or friend took a while. When her mother had died it was the sight of her coffin that brought home the reality she would never see her again. Janet's death had more immediacy, but that was totally different, and Sam herself was an adult when that happened, and had encountered other deaths. Maybe kids saw things differently, she wasn't really sure. She wondered how long it would take her to get to grips with the fact that Pete was gone.

Sam felt she should kick herself for almost inadvertently 'choosing' Jack as the person to comfort her. It seemed so right yet still so wrong. She knew her relationship with Pete had hurt him, although he seemed to wish her well with it. That was despite his poor reaction to Pete's physical presence, which Sam was never sure of the reasons for: jealously or genuine dislike.

She had told Jack that she loved Pete and would miss him. She wasn't sure anymore whether that might have hurt him. Surely Jack must be over it by now. Sam believed that her relationship with Pete had probably destroyed any chance of a similar one with Jack O'Neill. It had gone too far and there was no turning back the clock to what they had shared, or had wanted to share, before she'd met Pete.

Jack's unerring support of her in her time of need was a little overwhelming and she was astounded by it. She wondered whether he still harboured feelings for her. It had been a pretty strange night. Her boyfriend is killed and she's in another man's arms? If she was honest, she still wanted and yearned for that other man.

That was disgusting; how could she even think like that when Pete had just died? She was ashamed of herself and her feelings towards Jack at such a time. It was wrong and she fought hard to suppress her thoughts. Now was not the time; she doubted it ever would be.

Having called Pete's partner in Denver she decided to drive up for the day, so called the SGC to leave a message for Jack; she'd be back home later.

When Jack got to the SGC he'd showered, changed and attended the briefing with SG-13, agreeing to the mission they outlined. He sought out Daniel and Teal'c as soon as possible to tell them the news and Daniel called her straightway, getting no reply. When Jack told him she'd probably driven to Denver, both men worried. What if she had an accident? Driving when grief stricken might not be such a hot idea, although they were aware that one could go into autopilot in such a situation; they'd been through it themselves at different times of their lives.

Jack got on with the job as best he could, feeling slightly distracted all day. Every so often he would drift off into his own thoughts, mainly of Sam and holding her close to him, being in her bed. Now was so not the right time for all of this. He had thought he was coping pretty well with the loss of his dreams about a relationship with Sam. Pete had put paid to those and Jack was getting over it; as over it as he probably ever would. These events had brought it more sharply into focus than he had allowed it to be for a considerable time. He'd been deceiving himself that he was over it. He still loved her; that was starkly apparent. It was something he'd denied for quite a while, but he could no longer do so.

This would never have happened if he hadn't been obliged to give her the fateful news. If he had found out about Pete's death in any other way he could have distanced himself from her. It was the raw power of her emotions, her misery and pain, which had drawn him in. He had allowed himself to get too close to her again. Big mistake Jack. Damn, you're a fool!

Burying himself under a heap of paperwork to take his mind off it, Jack managed to keep his emotions in check. Then he realised he was in too deep and he would find it hard to pull back now. He scrubbed his hands through his hair and leaned back in his chair. Not having slept well the night before meant he was tired way too early. Before he changed his mind, he picked up the phone and called to leave a message for Sam.

When Sam got home from Denver she picked up a couple of messages, one from Daniel and one from Jack. She called Daniel to assure him she'd be alright: no she didn't need anything; no she would rather he didn't come round tonight, perhaps tomorrow - she wanted to be alone. They had a long chat and then she called Jack.

"How are you Carter?" He asked. "How was Denver?" His voice clearly spoke his concern for her.

"Oh, it was... hard."

"Do you want me to come over?" He offered immediately.

"I... yes Sir, that would be great."

As a result the call was brief. She wanted Jack's company but not Daniel's? Daniel would probably feel put out about that if he knew. But Jack had been there for her from the start of this and it felt more comfortable that it continue that way. She didn't have to start again.

When she got off the phone she pondered her trip to Denver. Meeting Pete's parents was tough. She had never met them before, had positively avoided it, much to Pete's chagrin. These were bad circumstances in which to be meeting them for the first time. They tried to talk to her about funeral arrangements, knowing that their son had loved her and might want her to have a say in the arrangements.

She thought that very generous of them but waived any 'right' she had to interfere. This was their son and they should do as they saw fit. It wasn't as if Pete and her had been married, although he had asked her on more than one occasion. Something else she avoided and which pissed him off.

In fact, Pete had seemed to spend a whole lot of time in a pissed off state with her. She wouldn't do this, or that, or commit to anything; she put the SGC first, and particularly her beloved Colonel / General O'Neill. He got fed up with Jack's name being bandied around. Sam had deliberately shrugged off the significance of that, although Pete had been more than wary of her CO and her relationship with him.

She often wondered why Pete had continued to ask her to marry him, given his general bad moods about her availability yadda, yadda, yadda. Had he somehow thought that marriage would change things? Did he believe he'd then own her ass and could insist she do things his way? It was an aspect of Pete that had worried her; she did not want a man to control her life. It was her life and she should control it, even if she knew it was all too often outside of her control. She admonished herself for thinking ill of the recently dead.

Jack arrived with bags of grocery shopping; which she thought was sweet and thoughtful of him. He'd bought a lot of healthy food, surprising her. He was obviously hinting.

"You look terrible Sam." He said as he came through the front door. She noted the reversion to 'Sam' from the 'Carter' formality of their telephone conversation.

"Gee, thanks!" She replied.

She followed him through to the kitchen where he put down the bags and started to remove things from them without looking at her.

"I'm just sayin'... I'm worried that you overdid it today. I know Denver's not far but I'm betting you're exhausted. It must have been a strain."

"It was." She agreed, starting to help him unpack and making suitable noises to accompany her surprise at what he'd bought. "Are you trying to tell me I should eat more healthily?" She asked.

"Maybe." Jack smiled. "Sam, I'm not gonna let you make yourself ill, I told you that. You won't do anything for yourself. Grief is a weird thing. I know what this is like."

She saw the shadow of his own periods of grief pass over his face and reached to lightly touch his arm, capturing his eyes in her gaze.

"I know you do."

"Yeah, well this is about you, not me." He shrugged her off.

"Jack, why are you doing all this?" She asked.

"What?"

"You know...all this." She waved her arms to indicate the groceries, and him. "Being here for me... the shopping...?"

"Because I care about you Sam. That's one thing that has never changed."

She wondered precisely what he meant by that statement, and how much he cared, but this was not a subject for now; strictly taboo.

"Okay. It's... good of you." She said.

Good of me? Jack thought. Sam seemed to realise that what she'd said was inadequate.

"More than good, so much more. I really am grateful Jack."

"Well I'm glad you appreciate it but you don't have to thank me. I just want to make sure you're alright, that's all. You're important to the SGC."

She wondered whether Jack brought it all back to that because he lacked the feeling, or because he felt too much. Jack could easily hide anything beneath that senior officer mask.

"So, where do you put potatoes Sam?" He asked quickly, changing the subject, as he was uncomfortable about what he had just said and what it might imply. Sam could read him better than almost anyone he knew so he had to be careful around her. It was hard work constantly keeping his guard up and sometimes he slipped. Yesterday he had slipped big style. Her vulnerability had exposed his own.

"Jack, you don't need to feel nervous around me." She said, and Jack was alarmed he was so transparent.

"I'm not, that's crazy." He replied, trying to bluff his way out of her accurate and far too telling observation.

"Maybe I'm imagining it."

"Yeah, I don't think now is the time to rely 100 on your judgement skills Sam. You need time."

"I just want you to feel that you can be you when you're with me, that's all." She responded. Oh boy, Jack thought, if only she knew!

"I'm not sure you've ever really seen the real me Sam." He said pointedly, and the comment felt like a slap to her face. Back off Sam, she told herself, this is not the time for such a conversation.

"You might be right about that." She agreed.

Jack was relieved that she seemed to accept that, or certainly she didn't argue. Phew! He got the feeling that he had just driven another wedge between them and it saddened him, but it was probably necessary in the end. He had to protect himself. There was already too much pain in his life.

"So, coffee?" She asked and started to make some before he even got the chance to reply.

"Sure. I guess I shouldn't stay too long. I've got stuff..." He shrugged apologetically.

"I understand. You can't spend all your free time babysitting me." She said.

'You are so wrong about that Sam,' he thought, 'but I need to give you space. You have to deal with this alone sometime.' In reality he very much wanted to stay, but that would be all wrong. This was the wrong time; that had passed long ago. He was still mourning that loss, while she was newly in mourning for Pete.

Sam was disappointed, hoping he might stay like he had the previous night. He didn't have to sleep over, just be there for a while. She longed for him to hold her in his arms again, because he made her feel safe, secure and warm.

They sat together on her couch once more, sipping their coffees, but she could sense the unease in Jack that she had not felt, or maybe just hadn't noticed, the previous day.

"They got Pete's killer. The funeral will be next week. The full police, honor thing, you know?" She revealed.

"Right. That's good. That they got his killer I mean."

"Jack?" She hesitated and he looked at her curiously with eyebrows raised in query. "Would you come... with me... to the funeral?"

"What?" He was astonished.

"I know it's a lot to ask but I'm not sure I can do it on my own."

"Daniel would probably go if you asked him."

"But it isn't Daniel I want to come with me." She persisted.

"Oh." He felt vaguely flattered that she chose him to accompany her, but wasn't sure it was right. "It's just, I never liked the guy much. It's a little hypocritical."

"I want you there for me, Jack, not him."

How could he refuse that? He had promised himself he would be there, do what she needed him to do. This was clearly something she needed him to do.

"It's an Irish thing Jack; a wake on Thursday, the funeral on Friday with a reception afterwards. I guess I should go to the wake as well as the funeral."

"A wake?" He wondered how traditional it would be. The old fashioned washing the body, wailing and keening type wake was rarely practised anymore and he fervently hoped that the Shannahans weren't going to revive it for their son. "Where Sam? Pete's apartment? His parents' place?"

"They don't live in Denver. Pete's place is a bit small so it's in the home of a distant cousin."

"You want me to come with you to that too?"

"Would you? It probably means two days away from the SGC. I was planning on booking a hotel for a couple of nights. It makes more sense than coming back here. I'll pay for your room, if you can get away." She added hastily. One could not take the availability of Generals for granted.

"Hotel? Right." He paused, a bit nonplussed. "Sam you don't have to pay for my hotel, for crying out loud. I'll get away, I promise. I'll organise it tomorrow."

"Thank you."

"I told you I'll be here Sam, and I will."

After that, the silence between them stretched uncomfortably.

"I guess I'd better go." Jack rose from the couch as he spoke.

"Do... do you have too?" Sam asked in a slightly plaintive tone.

"You want me to stay a bit longer?" Sam nodded mutely in response to his question. "Ok." He paused for a while and then added. "I'll make some dinner." And waved away her objections. It would be good to have something to occupy him other than his own maudlin thoughts.

He made chicken salad, and bread, something his culinary skills could not ruin. She picked at her food and he almost forced her to eat some of it, pleased he'd stayed after all because he could ensure she ate something. After he'd nagged her for a while she confessed that she hadn't eaten all day until then. Therefore, he forced her to eat more.

Afterwards she suggested they watched some mindless TV and he decided he could stay just a while longer. They sat side by side on her couch and at one point she reached over to take his hand in hers. He let her, his heart hammering as he responded to her touch. Later she laid her head on his shoulder and dozed off. He didn't dare move, not wishing to disturb her. Sam's sleep patterns were going to be erratic for a while - he remembered it well.

What was he going to do? It was of his own making, but he wasn't sure how much of this he could handle. He hated this close and yet so far away thing that existed between them. Holding her in his arms in her bed the previous night had been one of the hardest things he'd ever done. However, he had made a promise to be there for her and he kept his promises. Jack wondered whether he might live to regret this one.

Continued in Part 2: Waking In Denver

Su Freund

Stargate SG-1 Fan Awards 2004   
Best New (Ship) Author   
Best Angst (Sam/Jack): Understandings and Misunderstandings   
Best Hurt/Comfort (Sam/Jack): Not Letting Him Down


	2. Being There Part 2: Waking in Denver

Title: Being There Part 2: Waking in Denver

Author: Su Freund

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst / Romance

Content Warnings: None

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: 8

Spoilers: Abyss, Chimera, New Order (S8)

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Jack reluctantly attends Pete's funeral with Sam

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Being There Part 1: The Wrong Time

Status: Series, 2 of 4

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2004 Su Freund

File Size: 53 KB

Archive: My site, Jackfic yes, SJD yes, Gateworld, FanFiction Net

Author's Note: Sorry about the pun in the title of this fic - I guess it is intended to have a double meaning. Thanks again to Bonnie for her beta read, advice and encouragement, Trish for her initial inspiration and Phil for the wonderful artwork he created especially for this fic. The artwork can be found on my site if you want to take a peek – see address above or in my FF net profile

**Being There Part 2: Waking in Denver**

Jack was dreading the wake, Pete's funeral and, maybe worse, the reception afterwards, which was almost bound to be a typically Irish affair, something Jack O'Neill knew a lot about. How could he tell Pete's parents how sorry he was for the loss of their son? He didn't give a damn about their son, only how all this impacted on Sam - and him and the SGC. Screw the rest of it, this was his whole life; he had nothing else left.

He told himself he was a sucker for punishment but saw no way out of it; he'd made a promise. Short of a Goa'uld attack on Earth, or a call on the red phone, there was no excuse. Jack didn't think wishing for a Goa'uld attack was particularly productive.

So there he was pulling up outside Sam's place. They were using her car but he insisted on driving. He'd been worried about her previous drive to Denver, whether she would be distracted by grief and have an accident, so was not going to let her risk it this time.

After she'd fallen asleep with her head on his shoulder the previous week, it was almost inevitable that he ended up staying at her place again. Most of the night was spent rather uncomfortably on her couch, trying not to wake her. Although he'd dozed off once or twice, his night was mainly sleepless. Sam had woken at around 3 am and he'd taken her to bed, retiring to her spare room for the second night running. This time there was no sobbing from her bedroom, no holding her close all night. He keenly felt the lack of her next to him. Nothing would ever be the same again.

He encouraged Daniel to spend as much time with her as possible over the following few days and tried to avoid such a situation. She went into work, insisting that she wanted to keep occupied, but he scrubbed SG-1 from the mission list. He wasn't letting her risk her life, or her team's, until he knew she could concentrate on her job.

Talking of concentrating on the job, he was finding it difficult himself. There were no real crises at the SGC to deal with, which was a bit of luck.

Jack made regular detours to her lab, or took her for lunch or coffee in the mess. He even visited her house, but kept more distance between them. If Sam noticed she never said anything. Nor did she ask him to stay or make any move that indicated she wanted him to hold her in comfort again. He longed to do just that, but didn't dare. His emotions were too chaotic and he would risk exposing too much.

On the day of the wake, they were running late to get to Denver, so when Sam saw Jack from the window she picked up her bags, keys and jacket and came out to meet him. They changed cars and drove off straightway, got a little lost trying to find the house, and arrived when the place was filled with people and all eyes were upon them as they walked in. It was more than a little disconcerting to both of them, but particularly Jack who felt he shouldn't really be there anyway. He would bear it for Sam: almost anything for her.

It was a sombre affair, as expected. The old fashioned traditional Irish wake was a ritual rarely followed these days and Jack sincerely hoped that Pete Shannahan's parents weren't in the business of reviving it. He had spent some time explaining to Sam what a traditional wake might be like, to prepare her for the worst. At a 'proper' wake women would wash and prepare the body, followed by keening and crying over the corpse, an important part of the ritual. Amongst other customs, the men might congregate in the kitchen, or even outside. He wouldn't know anyone at this thing and dreaded that he might be separated from Sam, for both him and her.

The coffin was in the living room and Sam cracked when she saw it. Jack held her tightly, breathing a sigh of relief that Pete's parents had chosen a closed coffin. From what he could ascertain at a quick glance around, it appeared that the wake would not be along totally traditional lines, which was a blessing.

He led Sam towards the coffin, kneeling in the customary way to pray. Jack had been raised a catholic and, although he was very much lapsed, still remembered appropriate prayers. Sam was sobbing, the sight of the coffin bringing reality sharply into focus, and Jack tried to fulfil what he believed to be his major function; to comfort her as much as possible, be by her side when she required.

Sam introduced Jack to Pete's family and they looked startled at the mention of his name. Jack wondered what Pete had said to them about him, surprised he'd ever been mentioned. Whatever it was had clearly been negative as they looked at him in the most peculiar way. He managed to mumble something almost incomprehensible about being sad for their loss, all the words he hadn't wanted to say but felt obligated to. Mercifully, Sam dragged him away quickly.

"Well they didn't look happy to see me Sam. You didn't check if they'd mind if I came?" He felt uncomfortable being there without an invitation.

"I didn't think I needed to do that. They told me I should bring a friend and I did."

"I'm betting they think you brought more than just a friend Sam. You probably should have asked a woman to come with you."

"Oh? Oh! You don't really think they think that do you?"

"Well I'm wondering what Pete might have said about me. He must have mentioned me. How else would they know my name?"

"I… I can't imagine why he'd talk about you to them Jack."

"Maybe he thought I was a threat Sam. Hasn't it ever occurred to you?"

"Not really. Why would he?"

Great! This was something else he probably didn't want to hear. He'd never been a threat to Pete. Boy, oh boy, it just got better everyday.

"Come on, let's get a drink. I think we both need it." He said, desperately wishing he hadn't mentioned Pete.

Neither of them knew another soul there. Pete's partner, one of the few people in Pete's Denver life that Sam had ever met, was absent; although it turned out that there were a few of his policemen friends there. Apparently Jim, his partner, had been unable to make it because of official duties but would be at the funeral and reception next day.

Although many of the traditions were not followed, the wake did last until midnight. Pete's relatives would probably be there through the night but Sam did not want that; she wanted to go back to the hotel, sleep and be fresh for the funeral. Many of the mourners drank quite a lot, although Jack suspected that the real hard drinking might take place at the reception. He drank little as he had to drive, and Sam did not want to get drunk, so nursed her couple of drinks for a long time.

By the time they got away Sam was clearly exhausted. The wake had been a strain, as he knew it would be. They checked into the hotel and immediately made their way to their rooms, which Jack had arranged to be adjoining so that he could go to her if she needed him during the night. As far as he knew she slept right through; certainly she did not call for his help. She seemed be keeping it all together pretty well, in the circumstances, although Jack believed that she was covering a whole lot of seething emotions within. If she cried herself to sleep, or woke from nightmares, she kept it to herself and he heard nothing through the hotel walls.

He was barely cognisant of the funeral next day, only of Sam holding onto his arm and squeezing it very hard throughout, and her tears as they lowered the coffin into the ground.

The reception was held in a large hotel room, with it's own bar. It was taking a while for things to heat up but Jack knew it was coming. He'd been to this sort of thing before. He was on edge because he could feel the eyes of Pete's family burn into him and that was bugging him. He did the rounds with Sam, but didn't know anyone himself. He was merely there as her protector, and her prop. Sam was talking to one of Pete's many brothers and Jack went to the bar for drinks.

"Well I'll be damned, Colonel Jack O'Neill!" A voice said and he looked up.

"Reilly?"

"Yes Sir." Reilly gave a small, mock salute. "So Sam persuaded you to come with her and has deserted you huh, Sir?"

"You know Sam? I guess you must have known Pete Shannahan?" Jack queried. Reilly had served with him in Special Forces. He'd been a good man.

"I was his partner Sir. I'm PD now."

"You? Pete Shannahan's partner? Won't his family think you're consorting with the enemy? I don't think they like me."

"Well, you're with Sam. She was Pete's woman Sir."

"She still is." Jack replied in whisper.

"I always wondered whether the Colonel O'Neill he bitched about so much was one and the same but never mentioned it to him." Jack was flabbergasted.

"He used to bitch about me?"

"Yes sir."

"Drop the Sir, Reilly. It's Jack. You aren't in the Air Force anymore. And it's General O'Neill now by the way." Reilly whistled.

"Whoa! Congratulations General. Pete never mentioned that. He had a way of… twisting things." Jack raised his eyebrows in response, hoping to find out more. "I never did know what to believe with him, so I chose to treat his words with caution Sir. When I thought it was probably you he meant, I never believed any of it. I know you're an honorable man Sir.

"Jack. It's Jack."

"Ummm… okay, if you call me Jim."

"Right… Jim. You were partners; he was your friend. Why are you telling me this? I must admit I'm a little curious about what he used to say."

"What didn't he say? Ummm… Jack, we were partners, but not friends." Jack nodded but said nothing. "He said Sam talked about you all the time."

"Yeah, well we work together, she's bound to want to moan about me to someone."

"But that's the point; according to him, she would never hear a bad word said about you."

"She wouldn't?" Jack felt his face flushing.

"It used to really piss him off."

"Yeah, I'll bet." Jack smiled, feeling a little self-satisfied.

"So he really had a downer on you; perceived you as a threat, to him and Sam. Were you?" Jim asked curiously and Jack let a small, but bitter, laugh escape his lips.

"I doubt it."

"Pity." Jack looked surprised. "I used to worry about her." Jack looked into Jim's eyes, alarm bells ringing madly. They always had around Pete; maybe he was about to find out why.

"Why?"

"Pete was obsessed with her. He could be a little freaky sometimes. If you could have seen his flat…" He had to break off because Sam was returning. "I think you ought to know about it. I have to tell someone. The Department don't wanna know; he's one of ours and he died in the line of duty. If you want to know more, call me." He handed Jack a card and Jack nodded consent, more than curious about what his old team mate had to say about Mr Shannahan.

"Oh, you've introduced yourselves to each other?" Sam smiled a little as she approached, looking better than she had for the last few days.

"Well, funnily enough Carter, Jim and I have already met. We served together in Special Forces." Jack handed her the drink and downed his own rapidly. If you can't beat 'em join 'em, he thought, although getting drunk could be a seriously bad idea.

"Really?" Sam said. "Oh! It's a small world Sir." She looked at Jack.

"Yes it is. And for crying out loud, drop the Sir."

"I will if you drop the Carter, Sir." She replied and Jack smiled, holding up his arms in the air as if surrendering.

"Fair cop. Take me away officer." He said turning to Jim. Sam laughed and it was something he hadn't seen her do much of lately, so it pleased Jack a great deal.

"Look. I'm due on duty." Said Jim. "Sam, I'm sorry we never got a chance to talk. If you need anything, and I mean anything, you know where to find me." He pecked her on the cheek.

"Thanks Jim." She returned the kiss.

"Good to have seen you again Colonel. I mean General, Sir." He mocked saluted Jack again and then held out his hand to shake.

"You too Jim. I'll call sometime."

"Yeah, you do that." Jim left hurriedly.

"I get the impression I missed something." Sam said.

"Only old Special Forces talk, Sam, nothing important." Jack informed her, hating to lie. Sam kind of wished she could have heard that conversation thinking that she might have learned a thing or two about Jack's experiences with Special Forces. He rarely talked about it. She never guessed he was lying. "You have another admirer, I think." Jack added.

"What, Jim? I don't think so. He's married Jack; happily I think."

"He is? I didn't know that." Jack smiled and then looked at her seriously. "You okay Sam? I mean… well in the circumstances."

"I'll be alright. It's all a little strange."

"Tell me about it." He joked, hoping to raise a smile, which he did. Pete's relatives were eyeballing him and it was making him highly uncomfortable; Sam felt the disquiet.

"I don't understand why they're reacting to you like this Jack."

"I dunno. Have I got something sticking out of my nose?" He joked again and she snorted.

"Do you want to leave?" She asked.

"I'm here for you Sam. It's up to you. Maybe they'll loosen up when the booze has been flowing longer."

That's what worried her. She was grateful he was willing to put up with the cold stares for her sake but this was an occasion when a lot of people could get very drunk and behave badly.

"I don't think I want to stay too much longer, but I ought to go speak to his parents again for a while before we go I guess."

"Do you want me to come with you? That is why I'm here, isn't it?"

"Well I might have thought twice if I'd known you would elicit this reaction."

"Yeah, it seems I wasn't the best choice."

"You were to me. I'll risk it alone Jack. I'm gonna ask them."

"What?"

"Why they are reacting like this to you? I'm gonna ask them."

"Sam!"

She ignored him and approached Mr and Mrs Shannahan, leaving Jack alone again. He got another drink and propped up the bar trying to look inconspicuous, which could be hard for a man who was over six feet tall. Time seemed to pass excessively slowly, and it was half and hour later that Sam rejoined him.

"You were right. They thought I'd bought my lover to their son's funeral."

"Oh! That's a little… embarrassing." He said while thinking, I wish.

"It's alright, I set them straight. Apparently Pete said something to them about me thinking too highly of you and…" She tailed off, suddenly aware of what she was saying. Jack noticed her blush.

"Is it true?" He couldn't resist asking.

"Probably. He could have the bad habit of running off at the mouth sometimes."

"I meant…"

"I know what you meant. Probably." She looked directly into his eyes and it was Jack's turn to blush, which gave her a small thrill inside. "I used to talk about you, and the team, sometimes." She was quick to add and Jack gave her a thin smile.

"Sure." Her gaze unnerved him and he glanced away, desperate to ease the sudden tension between them.

"It's just warming up..." Jack said by way of distraction, as he eyed a couple of very drunk guests. "Could be fun." His voice held a slight mocking tone. "Do you really wanna go, or stay Sam? Don't leave because you think I'm uncomfortable. I have felt waaay more uncomfortable than this, I can assure you." He alluded to various encounters with Goa'uld, Jaffa and other nasty aliens, none of which had been a walk in the park.

"I don't think I want to be with these people Jack. They aren't my friends or family; they're Pete's folks. And I wouldn't mind betting that there'll be at least one big argument or fight before the night is out. I don't want you getting into any trouble Jack."

"Me?"

"Well… if you carry knocking them back like that you might." She indicated his empty glass.

"Is that an accusation? I can't mix with Shannahans without a drink."

"Jack!" He could tell by the glint in her eye and slight smile that she was amused, her chagrin faked.

"Oh, and I eschew violence, by the way. I'm a peaceful man."

His expression was of studied innocence and it raised a laugh from Sam. Jack O'Neill could be good medicine for whatever ailed you, she thought, realising she would rather be somewhere alone with Jack than with this crowd of people she hardly even knew.

"Come. Let's go have our own party." She said, grasping his arm lightly and steering him to the door. She doubted she would ever see any of these people again. Why would she want to? Pete was dead; it was over. Jim was the only one of them that she might stay in touch with. She liked him.

They ran up quite a bar bill at the hotel, going back to Sam's room and ordering a bottle of scotch, ice and two glasses and getting merrily tipsy, if not drunk. Jack was the merrily tipsy one; Sam was definitely drunk. She talked about Pete a little, revealing small snippets of their lives together. It was killing Jack but he knew it was what you did at funerals; remember the dead and talk about the good times. It was part of the tradition and served a purpose. This was where coming to terms with death really started.

Jack went for a pee and when he came back Sam was standing at the side of the bed wearing her waist slip, bra and panties, her other clothes strewn over a chair. He stared at her open mouthed. Wow! Down Jack, heel!

"Jack, will you kiss me?" She asked. "I need a kiss."

Oh boy! He was momentarily dumbstruck and when she approached he raised his hands to fend her off.

"That's not a good idea Sam."

"Oh come on Jack. Don't be a spoil sport." She whined.

"A very bad idea." He backed away but as a result boxed himself into a corner.

"Gotchya!" She exclaimed.

He was seriously tempted, but pushed such thoughts away. There were a number of reasons why it was a bad idea, not least of which was her lack of sobriety. Jack O'Neill would never take advantage of any woman in that condition, least of all Sam. The timing wasn't too hot either.

"I think it's time you went to bed Sam."

"Oh Jack! Come on…" She taunted. It was time for drastic action.

"Carter! Get your ass in that bed. That's an order Colonel!" She almost stood to attention at his best command voice, and obeyed his order.

"Aren't you gonna join me? Whoa! The room's spinning round." Jack hoped she wasn't going to be sick.

"Sam?" He sat on the side of the bed and looked at her. She was unfocussed and her eyes glazed.

"Is that you General?" She said sleepily.

"Yes it's me."

"Good. I'm glad you're here Sir."

She seemed to have forgotten her original intent, gently taking his hand and kissing it and almost immediately passing out still clutching him. He sat for a while and simply watched her. She looked so peaceful, and beautiful. He continued to grasp her hand and used his other one to softly caress her cheek.

I love you Sam, he thought, I wish I didn't, but I do. I can't help myself. Tenderly kissing her cheek where he's just been stroking her, he closed his eyes and wished he were meant to be there, with her; but he wasn't, so he went into his own room, taking the rest of the scotch with him.

Jack knew it was tough going after a funeral of a loved one and wondered whether Sam might need him tonight, even if she hadn't the night before. He remembered Charlie's clearly. Jack was numb, and Sarah cried for a long time and then seemed equally numb. He'd been unable to help her, barely able to help himself. She thought him callous but her own pain blinded her to his; he simply wasn't capable.

Far from being callous, his heart was torn asunder. He'd shed his own tears, but no one had ever known or ever would. Shutting himself off from the world, he almost literally closed himself down, but hadn't the courage to end his life. Or maybe his will to live had been too strong without even realising it. Much of his adult life had been a struggle to stay alive, and ensure his team mates did too. Maybe it was old habits dying hard. Now he never gave up, no matter what, although he'd come close to it when captured and tortured by Ba'al.

There was Sam, of course; he'd given that up. It was ironic that he should come to that conclusion just as they got so close. However, this situation was only temporary; their familiarity brought on by events outside of their control. It was totally the wrong sort of close.

He didn't want to see Sam go the way he had after Charlie's death; would rather die from his acute discomfort with the situation then let that happen. Sam should never know he felt like that.

A couple of hours later he woke to the sound of someone entering the room. Wha…? He sat up quickly, realising where he was and why in an instant.

"What is it Sam?"

"I don't want to be alone. Can I stay in here with you?" She asked.

He was relieved that he sensed nothing of her earlier desire to kiss him so got up and took her in his arms in a hug. It seemed she needed one.

"Sure Sam." He gently pushed her onto the bed and sat beside her stroking her hair. "Nightmares?" He asked.

"Something like that." He decided he wouldn't push if she didn't volunteer to tell. "I think I might still be drunk." She stated.

"Probably." He grinned.

"Sir… did I try to…umm… kiss you earlier? She asked tentatively, in a whisper.

"Yes Carter."

"Crap!"

"Hey, I'm not that bad!" He joked and she smiled up at him.

"I'm sorry." Nervously she touched his face. "I'm sorry." Her touch made him tremble and he could hear his heartbeat loudly. This was so dangerous.

"Get into bed Sam." He whispered.

"Are you gonna get in Jack? I won't bite. I promise." Oh God!

"Ummm… sure."

He was suddenly grateful he'd worn something in bed, which he frequently did not. Sam was still wearing the waist slip, bra and panties she'd had on when he ordered her to bed. There was way too much bare flesh and he shuddered, his skin breaking out in goose bumps. As he lay beside her she put an arm over his chest, settling her head into his neck. In no time at all she was asleep again. Lucky for some. Jack stayed awake for a long time, wondering whether he'd ever get a decent night's sleep again.

Next morning Sam had one hell of a hangover and he suggested she lie in late and try to get more sleep. Making an excuse about having some business to attend to, which was no lie, her delicate condition gave him the perfect opportunity to call Jim, who arranged to pick Jack up at the Hotel.

"So you worked with Sam a long time?" Jim asked as they walked into his apartment building.

"Yeah, a few years."

"She's one heck of a woman."

"Yep." Jack agreed.

"I hope you'll take care of her."

"I'll try."

"Pete would have wanted you to look after her." Jim said and Jack laughed

"No he wouldn't."

"Yeah, you're right, he wouldn't." Jim grinned broadly. "Here it is." He took some keys out of his pocket and opened the apartment door. "I wasn't sure what to do so I brought it home. Honey, you in?" He called.

A very heavily pregnant woman waddled out of a room to greet them.

"Jack, this is Gina, my wife." Jim gave her a brief greeting hug and kiss. "Gina, this is General Jack O'Neill."

"I'm pleased to meet you Gina. Don't believe whatever it is he might have said about me. I'm a nice guy really."

Gina grinned and shook his hand.

"Actually, he told me you were a hero General O'Neill. You don't want me to believe that?" Jack blushed.

"Believe me, what you are doing right there is a lot more heroic than anything I've ever done." Jack smiled and indicated her large bump. "You must be due pretty soon. Jim, you're a dark horse. You should have said something."

"I was a little pressed for time."

"So trying to tell me Pete Shannahan might be wacko was more important than the impending birth of your kid?" Jack joked.

"Something like that." Jim replied amiably.

"When is the baby due?" Jack asked Gina.

"A couple of weeks."

"It's your first?"

"Yes." she replied dreamily.

"First of many, we hope." Jim added.

"Hey, that's alright for you to say but you don't have to carry it around for 9 months." Gina teased her husband. Jack smiled inside; pleased to see the couple look so happy and contented. Someone had to be so why not them? "Would you like a coffee or something General?" She asked Jack.

"I'd love some." Replied Jack, warming to the couple. He always had liked Jim and his wife seemed pretty nice. "I think you ought to put your feet up and get your husband to make it."

So Jim readily made coffee and the three chatted for a while about babies and all kinds of irrelevant things.

"I was so sorry to hear about your son, Jack; and your wife." Jim said sympathetically. Jack's love of children shone through every word he spoke and Jim pondered the loss he'd suffered. How tough was that? Jim loved his soon to be born child already and empathised with how Jack must have felt.

"It was a long time ago." Jack replied but Jim could see the shadow darken his face. "Thanks for the condolences by the way." He recalled Jim had sent him a short letter when it had happened. "So, what do you wanna show me?" He asked to change the subject and noticed the looks exchanged by the couple. Jim led Jack to the spare room, clearly recently redecorated as a nursery.

"Nice job." Jack commented, starting to look around. His eyes alighted on one of the walls and he gasped. Jim pulled a huge board from behind the cot.

"We found this at Pete's apartment."

The board was covered with photographs of Sam. From the various photos Pete had taken it was obvious he'd been following her. There was Sam leaving the gym, shopping, entering Cheyenne Mountain in her car, leaving her house, and even in her house. A couple of those were saucier than Jack had anticipated and his eyes widened.

"My God!" Jack exclaimed.

"That's something along the lines of my initial reaction. Should I tell Sam?"

"I… no! She's upset enough already. Does she need to know? Does anybody need to know?"

"Does she need to know that her boyfriend was probably a sick perverted bastard? No probably not. Although it might do you some favours if she did know."

"What do you mean?"

"Come on Jack, I was watching you two for quite a while at the reception." He could tell that Jack would admit nothing of his feelings and decided to drop it. "Well, I guess I was wrong." He said.

"Yeah. And anyway, what kind of a guy would use this sort of thing to his advantage?"

"Well the beauty is, you wouldn't have to. I could tell her."

"No! I never want her to know about this. It would break her heart. Christ! That son of a bitch!"

"Maybe I should never have told you."

"I'm glad you did. At least it confirms my feeling that he was far from the Mr Perfect that Sam seems to think he was."

"Do you think that's what she thought? If she thought he was so perfect, why did she turn down his marriage proposals at least half a dozen times?"

"She did?" Jack was taken aback. He didn't even know Pete had asked her, but then, why would he?

"Pete was so pissed. There was a lot of stuff he wanted her to do that she wouldn't. It wasn't the perfect relationship you seem to think it was."

"Oh!"

"I just wonder what he would have done if she'd dumped him. It was inevitable that she would. She isn't the sort of woman who wants to be with a controlling man."

"He was controlling?"

"Oh yeah."

Jack was pleased he was learning all this. It made him feel a little better in a weird kind of way. It also spooked him out. Sam must never know.

"What are you gonna do with it?" Jack asked.

"Destroy it I guess. It's probably for the best. The guy's dead so it doesn't matter anymore."

"She must have been to Pete's place. Why hasn't she ever seen it?" Jack wondered aloud.

"I'm thinking he kept it hidden when other folks were around."

"I guess." Jack thought for a moment. "So are all these photos just gonna get destroyed?"

"Yep. You want one? Take your pick."

Jack felt a little embarrassed at the obvious implication of his desire to have her photo. Nevertheless, he scanned the board looking for the best one and plucked one off. She was sitting at an outside table of a café, smiling.

"Good choice. She's a beautiful woman." Said Jim.

"Yes she is." Jack agreed.

"And you'd defend her to the death, right?"

"Something like that." Jack replied quietly.

"Good. She deserves someone like you in her life."

"If I was in her life, that may or may not be true."

"I guess it's too soon." Jim referred to the proximity of Pete's death.

"Not really. It's too late." Jack tried his best not to look dejected.

"Oh." Jim seemed a little disappointed, sensing the sadness in Jack and wondering if it was true that it was too late.

"Thanks for telling me… showing me this, Jim. I guess I'd better head back to meet Sam. We need to get back to the Springs."

"Important military business? Something to do with radar?" Jim asked and Jack laughed.

"Deep Space Radar Telemetry."

"Must be fascinating."

"It has its moments."

"I'm sure it has old friend."

Jim didn't look like he believed this was what his old team mate did for a living, but Jack was not in a position to clarify it for him. A little later they parted with a handshake and promises to keep in touch, which neither believed would happen, and Jack returned to pick up Sam.

They hardly spoke during the drive back to Colorado Springs, but it was not an uncomfortable silence. In what seemed like no time at all he pulled up outside Sam's house. Now he had to bear parting with her again and the thought hit him hard.

"Sam you look terrible." Jack said as he walked her to her front door.

"I wish you'd stop pointing that out." She replied grumpily. Oops!

"I've seen you look worse." He added.

"That doesn't help." Oy!

"I'm sure that underneath that hung over exterior there is a beautiful woman trying to get out." He joked.

"I'll try to take that as some sort of weird compliment." She grimaced. "I guess I've taken up enough of your time Sir."

It wasn't exactly how he would have chosen to spend his precious time; right company, wrong time and place. He was torn about leaving her. She probably needed to be alone, and he should get to the mountain, but he was drawn to her. Typically O'Neill, he had to fiddle around with something to hide his confused feelings and took his mobile out of his pocket. The battery was dead and he sincerely hoped nothing awful had happened at the SGC since whenever it had died.

"Do you need to use the phone?" She enquired.

"I'm sure you wanna be alone Sam, but this is dead." He eyed the phone as if it had done something to him deliberately. "I'd better call the SGC. They might have been trying to reach me."

"Come in." She invited.

He called the base to discover they'd managed perfectly well without him and wondered why he bothered going in. No Goa'uld attacks. He would have been so pissed if that happened now when it couldn't have happened a day or two earlier and saved his ass.

The whole Denver experience had pretty much freaked him out and his emotions were running high. He was finding it hard to come to terms with what he'd learned about Pete. Although it confirmed his own good judgement, he wondered how Sam had missed noticing that something wasn't quite right. It made his blood run cold to think about it. Jack had to admit that Pete had a certain charm about him and he probably piled it on with Sam; he could figure out why she could get taken in. And she'd been lonely; he understood that very well. Besides, his own feelings about Pete were not entirely without prejudice.

Sam had disappeared and he could hear her getting angry and stomping around. What now?

"Sam!" He called.

"Dammit!" He heard. Gingerly he approached the sound, which was coming from her bedroom. Total silence now emanated from her bedroom, which worried him.

"Sam?"

Jack knocked on her door and poked his head round. She was sitting on her bed sobbing silently. Hell! He approached, gently touching her shoulder and she looked up.

"Sam I know it's easy to say, but it will feel better someday." Maybe not wholly better, but certainly better, he thought.

"It's not Pete."

"Oh!" He then noticed the box of photographs and memorabilia, its contents scattered over her bed. Heck!

"I was looking for a photograph." Surely she can't mean the same photograph? Gulp! He looked embarrassed. Dammit, he WAS embarrassed! "But I can't find it."

"You're crying about a photograph?"

"It's important."

"There's lot's of photographs Sam. You sure it isn't there." She nodded.

"It's of you and me." Yikes! "You think I wouldn't see it?" She looked into his eyes. "Jack, you've gone pink. What's wrong?"

"I… I…" He stumbled, reaching into his pocket for the photograph and handing it to her. "I took it Sam. I didn't think you'd miss it. I'm sorry."

Jack was mortified and turned away, unable to look her in the eye. Not only had she caught him out stealing something from her, but it was a picture of the two of them. If that didn't tell her how he felt, nothing did.

"Jack?" Her expression was one of shocked bemusement. Jack had taken her picture of the two of them?

"The box fell down when I reached for a blanket and I… well… I…" He sighed heavily feeling more uncomfortable and embarrassed than he had for a long time. "Um… I… I'd better go."

He was humiliated but couldn't bring himself to pretend or lie to her; act all surprised and sympathetic about a photograph that he'd stolen. That would be far more dishonorable than his current disgrace. He felt his face redden further and quickly left the room.

"Jack!" She ran after him.

"Sam, just… don't. Please don't!" He desperately needed to get away.

"Jack for God's sake!"

"Leave it!" He spat angrily but she didn't and grasped his arm.

"Jack."

Suddenly she kissed him briefly on the lips but he pushed her away.

"You shouldn't have done that. Not that." He said; his anger controlled under a steely demeanour.

She saw real anguish in his eyes, sensed his pain, and wanted to take him in her arms but knew he would never accept that. He would take it as pity even though that wouldn't be her intention. Jack would never believe that she loved him, not now. The timing was totally wrong and it always had been.

Jack was furious and ashamed because he'd made himself look a fool. Sam had added to his humiliation with her actions and an already bad situation became worse. Pity was something he neither wanted nor needed from her. She wasn't thinking straight and he knew that. Perhaps it wasn't pity but something else

It didn't really matter what it was; there was no way he was getting caught up in any affair with her on the rebound. He didn't want an affair; he wanted a lot more than that and had to find a way to deal with this without screwing up their relationship both in and outside of work. Too emotional to think about it for now, he mumbled something about needing to get to the SGC, turned his back and left.

When his truck was out of sight of her house he pulled over, trembling. I have to get myself together before I drive to the mountain, he thought. I'm an idiot! What am I gonna do now?

Continued in Part 3: Not Being There 

Su Freund

Stargate SG-1 Fan Awards 2004  
Best New (Ship) Author  
Best Angst (Sam/Jack): Understandings and Misunderstandings  
Best Hurt/Comfort (Sam/Jack): Not Letting Him Down


	3. Being There Part 3: Not Being There

Title: Being There Part 3: Not Being There

Author: Su Freund

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst / Romance

Content Warnings: None

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: 8

Spoilers: Chimera, New Order (S8)

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Jack decides he can't stay close to Sam anymore and backs off

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Being There Part 2: Waking in Denver

Status: Series, 3 of 4.

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2004 Su Freund

File Size: 50 KB

Archive: My site, Jackfic yes, SJD yes, Gateworld, FanFiction Net

Author's Note: Thanks again to Bonnie for her beta read, advice and encouragement, Trish for her initial inspiration and Phil for his wonderful artwork. To see the fantastic Phil's lovely work go to the fic on my site at the address above.

**Being There Part 3: Not Being There**

General Jack O'Neill? Huh! That's a joke. This is a guy that can't even sustain a decent friendship without blowing it, Jack said to himself as he looked in the mirror. You're in charge of an important top secret base and you can't even keep your own life in order.

He'd been trying to avoid Sam, too mortified about the previous day's events to face her, so he'd kept busy. One advantage of being a General is that you have people to fend off calls and visitors for you rather than having to do it yourself. She had tried to see and speak to him a couple of times and he'd managed to be doing something else very plausible sounding and General like. Frankly, he didn't know what to say to her or how to react.

A General shouldn't be afraid to face one of his own subordinates. It was ridiculous. On the other hand a General shouldn't be in love with one of his subordinates either. He'd figure it out and contrive to see her tomorrow. Put off the evil day, that's right Jack. Coward!

Returning to sit at his desk, he flipped open the next file he was supposed to read, wondering why the heck was he was even doing this job? Paperwork was so not his thing. He couldn't avoid reading the briefing files and mission reports anymore. Winging it was not a very strong option for a General, although he still managed it more often than he probably should.

He was distracted by raised voices outside his room. One of them sounded distinctly like a blonde Lt. Colonel he would very much like to get to know better. It seemed that avoiding it was not a strong option either. It wasn't even an option. Jack opened the door.

"You'd better come in Carter. It's all right Major." He turned to the over eager Major, who was blocking Sam's path.

Sam shut the door behind her as she entered his room.

"Sit down Carter."

So he is going to keep this all business is he? She thought.

"I'd rather stand Sir." He met her eye.

"Please sit Sam."

"Sir." She obeyed.

"I think…" They both said at once.

"Yes Sir?" She said, deferring to Jack. Should he insist she go first? Definitely a coward.

"You first Carter. You wanted to see me?" He reminded her that she had made the move.

"Umm… I wanted to apologise Sir. I was a little out of line yesterday." Her cheeks were flushed and she was obviously as mortified as he was.

"I'm beginning to wonder if my office isn't the best place for this conversation." He replied.

"With all due respect Sir, we need to clear the air. You can't keep avoiding me."

"I'm not avoiding you."

"Aren't you… Sir?" Jack had the good grace to look ashamed of himself in response to her accurate observation.

"Actually, I think it's me who owes you an apology." She looked puzzled. "The photograph Sam." She mouthed 'Oh!" and looked discomforted.

"You don't need to apologise to me for that Sir."

"Believe me… I do." Somehow he felt like a man who'd been caught stealing a lady's underwear from her drawer; or worse, her dirty laundry basket. They were silent for a while after that.

"I don't want us to feel uncomfortable around each other." She said eventually. Jack shrugged.

"It wouldn't be the first time."

Sam couldn't deny that but felt him slipping away from her. Jack O'Neill could be a very difficult man.

"After Denver; all your support… We've been so close."

"Too close." He replied. Way, way too close, he thought. He didn't want to back off but had to. He was getting in too deep, above his head.

"Oh." Was all she said.

"Sam, we can never be more than friends." He couldn't believe he was actually saying this to her. Although it was probably true, he didn't want it to be.

"No. Of course not. I didn't mean to… I'm sorry Sir." She was caught off guard by his statement and wasn't sure how to react.

"Do you think you should take bereavement counselling?" He asked unexpectedly.

"What?"

"Bereavement counselling. Perhaps you should see someone."

"Would you?"

"Nope" He tried to avoid any counselling. Sometimes it was forced upon him. He could do the same to her but wasn't sure that he should. "You've just lost someone you love Sam. I know how hard that can be. You aren't exactly yourself right now."

"No, probably not Sir." She admitted. If nothing else, that gave her a good excuse for trying it on with her CO just after her boyfriend's funeral. Her CO was clearly hinting that she should lay off. Too close? Damn! She hadn't wanted to… spoil things.

"I'm sorry Carter, I have a meeting scheduled." That was true, although he could have delayed it. This was an odd conversation and one he found no comfort in whatsoever.

"Yes Sir. Are we… alright Sir?"

Alright? Jack wondered exactly what 'alright' meant in this context. As Commanding Officer and subordinate? As friends? As Jack and Sam? He wasn't sure how 'alright' things were, but they had to be.

"Sure." He smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring way.

The conversation was unsatisfactory and had done little to 'clear the air' as Sam had put it. With difficulty, Jack tried not to let it distract him from his meeting, mainly because the meeting was so dull. He started to wish something exciting would happen like an unauthorised gate activation; anything to get him out of his office.

In the end he couldn't just leave things between him and Sam in that undesirable position, so after the meeting sought her out. Surprised to be unable to find her, he checked with the SFs to discover she'd gone home and recalled that she had mentioned going earlier than normal today. For Sam, earlier than normal often actually still meant quite late. This was way early.

When he'd finished for the day he decided to drop by to see her. This time he would ensure that they didn't get too close. He had to settle this somehow because it was unbearable.

"General!" She exclaimed as she saw him in her doorway.

"Can I come in Sam?"

"Of course Sir."

"Can we be Jack and Sam for a while?" He asked as he entered the house and she nodded.

"Coffee or something… Jack?" He shook his head.

"I'm not staying long."

Sam had kind of figured that. He sought the informality of friends but she could tell from his demeanour that something was wrong in the world of General Jack O'Neill and Lt. Colonel Carter. She didn't think she was going to like this conversation.

They sat in what seemed to have become their customary places on her couch. The photograph Jack had taken, and then given back with such embarrassment, sat on the coffee table glaring up at him accusingly. He coughed to clear his throat.

"I said I'd be here for you when you needed me Sam but I'm not sure I can be anymore." Sam's heart sank. She loved his company. "I know I'm letting you down."

"Jack, you've done so much. How could you be letting me down? You've been amazing."

"I don't break promises."

"I know. So why?"

Instead of answering he picked up the photo and stared at it. The one Jim had let him take was in his pocket but that was of her alone; this was of both of them and it meant more to him.

"This is a great photo Sam. I can't remember it being taken. It's in my garden isn't it?"

"A barbecue, a couple of years ago. Janet took it. Remember that time when Teal'c had Cassie in hysterics tickling her after she cheated during their game of hide and seek?. Silly party games." She laughed at the memory and Jack joined her.

"Yeah! That was a great party. Teal'c really gets into those kid's games, doesn't he?"

After his laughter died his smile continued, remembering. They'd been good times. Then he shook the memory, determined that he should finish what he'd started.

"I'm so easily distracted, and they make me a General? Go figure." Sam laughed.

"Well you made me a Lt. Colonel."

"That was well deserved." He smiled and then sighed, steeling himself for what he needed to say to her. "You ask why? Surely you know why Sam." Jack looked into her eyes. "So near yet so far apart. I can't handle that." Sam was shocked that he expressed such feelings.

"We don't have to be so far apart." That surprised him.

"Yes we do, for lots of reasons."

"Like?"

"For crying out loud Sam, the man you love has just died. I'm in charge of the base and you're under my command. Do I need to spell this out? I told you, you're not thinking straight. Neither am I. I need to think straight Sam. I can't afford distractions. Nor can I let us get either too close or too far apart. I need Doctor, Lt. Colonel Carter."

"I don't quite know what to say to that."

"You don't have to say anything. You just need to accept it. The last thing you should do right now is something stupid… while you're feeling vulnerable. Don't do anything in haste. Do you understand what I'm saying here?"

"I think you're saying you can't be here for me any more." She said after a long pause. This was such a weird conversation and she wasn't entirely sure she understood it but she got the gist.

"Not… like I have been. I want to be, but I can't." Because if I do I'm going to go slowly insane, he thought. "That doesn't mean I'm not here for you Sam. It just means… not like that."

"Okay." She wasn't sure how she felt but knew he was right about one thing; she wasn't thinking straight.

"Good." He had to take that at face value; was in no position to dig any deeper. "I'd better go. I need to sleep." He knew that rest would be elusive and he'd probably be awake half the night.

"Jack!" She exclaimed as he got up to go, "Do you want the photograph?"

"No, it's yours." That damned photo had been a whole heap of trouble. He could feel his face turn pink at the recollection of what he'd done and what it implied.

"You must have wanted it if you took it Jack. Why else would you take it?"

"You know why I took it." He wasn't looking at her so couldn't gauge her reaction. "It was stuffed in a box in the top of your cupboard. I figured you never even looked at it anymore."

"I still look at it."

The breath caught in his throat at those words and he wanted to turn back and take her in his arms. It was too late for all of that. She'd made her choices long ago and they hadn't included him. He couldn't bear that he was second best; the runner up. He'd longed to be number one with her. Even worse, he knew he would only get more hurt if they started up a relationship in the wake of her lover's death. Maybe not deliberately, but she would use him to get over Pete, and then get fed up with him. God knows, she'd probably get fed up with him too quickly in any event. He chose to ignore her comment.

"I'll miss you being around." She said and he turned to face her.

"I'll be around."

He was around. He was around as her CO, sometimes as her friend, but he was careful not to get too close. The relationship they'd had since Pete's death was dead and he missed it terribly, particularly when he was alone at night. He imagined how it felt to hold her in his arms, share a bed with her. Sometimes he thought he could smell her scent on his pillow.

Jack hadn't shared that sort of companionship for a long time. He was a one man woman. He could easily have found someone to be with, or even just to have sex with, lord knows he missed and needed that; but he wasn't the sort of man to have a casual fling. Jack O'Neill was into commitment, loyalty, faith and trust. Once he gave one or all of those things to someone he only took it away again for very good reason.

If his wife hadn't left him he would probably still be with her now and Sam wouldn't even be an issue. He believed in the sanctity of marriage, in commitment, and believed he would never stop loving Sam, so would forever be a lonely man. Those thoughts left him feeling joyless and empty.

To Jack the most unforgivable sin was betrayal. If he'd felt betrayed by Sam's actions he could have turned away from her and lived with that, but he didn't. They had never made any promises or commitments to each other. In his heart he had promised himself to her, and hoped she had done likewise, but that was a dream, not reality.

In fact he believed that Sam had done the right thing. Sadly probably with the wrong person, and that worried him a little, but she seemed unaware that she had made a bad choice. She would never know what Jack knew about Pete, so would remain unaware and able to think of him fondly forever. Jack could never hurt Sam by telling her such a thing. She had been right to try for a life outside of the SGC, without him, however much it hurt. Jack was unavailable, which was entirely his own fault, and a result of their close working relationship, not to mention regulations. Nevertheless, this made it no easier for her, or both of them.

Jack suggested she take time off, but she refused and he figured she wanted to keep occupied. However, he consulted the Doc for her views, determined to order Sam home if necessary. The Doc said she would keep an eye on Sam and he should let her deal with it in her own way for now.

One day, about a week after their conversation at her house, there was a knock on Jack's door. When he answered a parcel lay on his step and he glanced up to see the rear end of Sam's car driving away from the front of his house. What the…? Heart beating rapidly he eagerly took it inside and ripped it open. The picture of them at his barbecue stared up at him from a simple frame. There was a short note: 'Jack, I got a copy made for you so we both have one. I hope you like it. Sam'

Like it? He loved it. It was a kindness after his theft of the photo in the first place, and subsequent humiliation. He still smarted whenever he thought of it. What a fool he'd made of himself. Staring at the photo for a while his thoughts were wistful, but verging on the dark and he began to wonder if it was such a good idea after all; a constant reminder of everything he had lost. We look pretty good together; he thought sighing and wondering where to put it. Leaving it on the table for now he finished getting ready for work.

Sam was feeling cut off and distanced from Jack and wasn't at all happy about that, but didn't know what to do about it. He'd made his feelings abundantly clear; he wanted to back off from the close relationship they'd developed after Pete's death. As time passed by she abandoned hope of them ever even being friends again, never mind about the sort of relationship she yearned for with him.

A couple of months flashed by and Jack was around, as he said he would be. Sometimes she saw him as her CO and sometimes with the rest of their friends, but virtually never alone. The occasions with friends had become rare events; he seemed to be distancing himself from them also although she knew he saw both Daniel and Teal'c and she didn't even merit an invite. That fact increasingly depressed her. She could feel the distance between them widening and he was becoming too remote and unreachable. She got the impression that her two team mates were also worried about Jack, but they never really talked about it.

One day that changed when Daniel paid her a visit in her lab. He looked a little down as he entered.

"Sam… ermm… can I have a word?" He asked.

"Of course Daniel. What is it?" Her tone expressed her concern; it was obvious something was wrong.

"I'm not sure how to say this, or even if I should say it." He nervously pushed his glasses up his nose and Sam waited patiently. "Jack made me promise not to say anything to anyone." She was surprised that he might break a confidence or a promise, particularly something linked to Jack. "But I have to; I can't just sit by and let it all fall apart."

"Daniel?" She question, trying to urge him on, her interest peaked. Fall apart? What was going to fall apart? "Is something wrong with the General?" Her concern was clearly heightened by that prospect, her voice betraying her strong emotions and feelings for Jack. Daniel looked pained but pressed on regardless.

"I don't know. He's thinking of resigning." Sam was shaken by that revelation.

"What? Resigning? He… he can't! Why?"

"My own view? Because of you." She gasped at Daniel's suggestion.

"Did he say that? Why?"

"Of course he didn't say that. You know him. I was surprised he even said anything at all. I wondered whether at heart he wanted me to tell you. Jack O'Neill can be a difficult man to fathom, you know that as well as I do."

She was silent, turning things over in her head.

"Why do you think it's because of me Daniel?" She ventured to ask, eventually.

"Well, you know how he feels about you Sam. Please don't tell me you don't. Unrequited love is a difficult thing to deal with. Maybe he can't do it anymore. He hasn't been the same since Pete's funeral." She was taken aback.

"It's not unrequited Daniel." Her voice was quiet as if she made that confession reluctantly.

"I know that, but does he?" He asked and she considered that.

"He must know." Daniel shook his head in response, clearly not agreeing that Jack knew any such thing. "You don't think so?"

"Pete, Pete's death, Jack's apparent lack of self esteem, despite his arrogant mask. We have to read between the lines with Jack. You know him, so what do you think?"

"We got pretty close for a while after Pete's death." She wasn't sure what to make of Daniel's idea, although he was right that it was very Jack.

"Too close." Her eyes widened at that.

"Are you sure he hasn't said something more Daniel? He said that to me." Daniel answered with an expression on his face that said it all - come on Sam, wake up and smell reality! "He backed off." She admitted, "way off."

She sounded rueful and Daniel figured she probably was. He'd almost bet it was driving her crazy. He wanted to knock Jack and Sam's heads together. Why the heck didn't they act on their so obviously mutual feelings? Once he had thought they both knew how the other one felt, but a lot had happened since then.

"I hope you don't think he did that because he didn't care Sam, because you are wrong."

"I know he cares… it's just…" She shrugged helplessly, obviously upset. "What do I do? I can't lose him Daniel and I know I am. I don't really understand why."

"None of us wants to lose him Sam. Jack can be so defensive, building up gigantic walls to stop himself hurting or even feeling anything. That doesn't mean he doesn't feel it deep inside in a little corner of himself he'd rather pretend wasn't there. My guess? You'd never lose him if he knew how you really felt. But I don't know what you should do. Maybe you shouldn't do anything. What do you think you should do?"

"I think you threw me a little hint there Daniel." She smiled sorrowfully, "I should talk to him, tell him how I feel."

"It's a start." Daniel returned her smile.

"What if he doesn't really feel that way?" She asked, fearfully.

"You're kidding, right?" Daniel was surprised she doubted it. "He's nuts about you."

"How do you know that?"

"I just do. Trust me Sam. Look… just how exactly do you compete with a dead hero?"

"You think he feels that about Pete?" The notion took her by surprise.

"Come on Sam. As far as he knows the great love of your life died. He never wanted to compete with Pete when he was alive, never mind about after he died."

"But Jack's…" She wanted to add, 'the great love of my life' but refrained. Daniel seemed to know what she was going to say.

"I know, but he doesn't. Do I have to spell it out for you? I'm guessing Jack thinks he's not good enough for you Sam. Lord knows he can be cocky but you and I both know a lot more than most about what sort of man hides underneath."

"So I talk to him; tell him?"

"I figure."

She thought about it a while, imagining all the obstacles that stood in their way.

"It doesn't resolve the situation we've always been in. He's still my CO."

"You'll work something out." Daniel replied, trying to reassure her, pretty certain they could find a way.

"If I thought we… I would resign. I'd do it." That confession from Sam really shook Daniel.

"What? Stay at home and have Jack's babies?" Sam responded with a faint laugh.

"I can think of worse fates than that, but it doesn't have to be that, no."

"You'd give up your career Sam? Jack would never want that, or ask you to do it. He'd be stunned that you'd even consider it."

"Then maybe I should tell him that." She replied and Daniel chuckled.

"It might signal that you're really serious I guess."

"I am serious Daniel. It's dragged on for too long. The relationship with Pete made me realise that more than ever."

"Pete prepared you for Jack, huh?" A touch of irony was evident in his voice. "Jack will love that." He snickered again.

"I realised what I was missing in my life; what I might have had. Pete was never the right man though."

"And Jack is?" It pleased him to hear her say that because, despite some incompatibilities between his two friends, he figured they'd be great together.

"I believe so."

"Then don't let him go Sam. Fight for him if you have to. Beg on your knees and make a fool of yourself if necessary. Do whatever it takes."

She was silent again as she pondered his words.

"Is he here?"

"Of course he's here. He's hardly anywhere else these days. That's part of the problem. I hope you aren't planning on talking to him about this in his office." He kidded and she laughed.

"Well if he's always here I might not get much option."

"I'll fix it." Daniel volunteered.

Thus Daniel suggested that he call round to Jack's place later, get pizza, have a beer and watch hockey on TV. Jack was delighted that his friend wanted to see him and readily agreed. He'd been way too lonely lately, and alone. Pleased with his ploy, Daniel told Sam that Jack would be home that night. He wanted to see his friends happy. They were both so miserable in their isolation. He fervently hoped he was right, and that he'd done the right thing.

Jack looked forward to seeing Daniel. He hadn't seen enough of his friends and had been living a solitary existence lately. This was exacerbated by his feelings for Sam, and his defeat and humiliation. He deliberately tried not to see her alone but felt guilty for excluding her from the few occasions he saw Daniel and Teal'c off base, so saw them less too. When she was near him he found it so difficult not to reach out and touch her; he had always been able to control that before but was now finding it close to impossible.

So he withdrew, from her and his other friends. It wounded him deeply to have to do it and he could feel himself shrivelling inside. He had no one left anymore and was increasingly lonely but felt he had no other choice. Protecting himself from the pain as much as possible was his priority. To do otherwise was unbearable, and unthinkable. He wove a strong and protective cocoon around his emotions and became increasingly cold and distant. It was affecting his relationship with the rest of his personnel, although he tried hard not to let it.

When he got home Jack looked around his house, realising it looked as cold and barren as he felt. He'd been neglecting it, hardly ever there anymore, and wondered if he should clean the place before Daniel's arrival. It's only Daniel and he'll understand, he reflected, but did a little dusting nevertheless, and tried to make it look more lived in and welcoming.

Jack was relishing Daniel's impending arrival, had beers cooling in his refrigerator and everything, and was surprised to see Sam standing there when he opened his door.

"Oh! What are you doing here?" It wasn't the welcome Sam hoped for but was more or less what she expected. She tried to shrug off his forbidding tone. "I'm expecting Daniel any minute now."

"I know. I'm sorry Sir, he isn't coming." Jack's eyes widened. Was this some sort of set up?

"What's going on?" He said suspiciously.

"Can I come in please Sir?" She asked, ignoring his question, it would probably be clear enough to him in a few minutes. She had known she would feel nervous of this confrontation, but was not prepared for how scared she really was.

What the hell did she want? Jack asked himself that question but nodded almost imperceptibly and let her in anyway. One of the first things she noticed was the photo of the two of them that she had left in his doorway. It was nestled amongst pictures of Charlie and Sara. He saw her notice it and cursed himself for displaying it so prominently. No one ever came here anymore, least of all her, so it hadn't seemed to matter.

"This is awkward." Sam stated with a faint smile on her lips. Jack thought she looked very nervous.

It was apparent to her that he was deliberately avoiding making her feel welcome; he didn't even offer her a coffee, or drink, which was very unlike the man she loved so dearly. Had she done this to him? The thought appalled her.

"Ya think?" He replied to her statement.

Jack, too, looked uncomfortable. It was time to clear this up, she thought, unable to bear the vast gulf that had grown between them over the previous few months.

"I heard you were thinking of resigning." She said, coming almost straight to the point.

"Oh?"

"Daniel."

"Oh."

So it was a set up. Damn Daniel for opening his big mouth. Jack realised he should have known better, and briefly questioned his motives for saying anything to Daniel in the first place. Had he subconsciously wanted Daniel to tell Sam? He wondered why Daniel had told her something said to him in confidence. Did he hope she could persuade him to stay? Daniel, my friend, you picked the wrong person to try and do that. He promised himself that he'd have words with the scheming archaeologist after this little visit was over with.

"Is it something to do with me? Daniel seemed to think so." She plucked up courage to say. Jack could not recall Sam looking quite so discomforted about anything and realised it had taken a lot of guts for her to come there like this.

"Hey, you know me and paperwork Sam. I miss being… out there."

He gesticulated in a very O'Neill like way and Sam suddenly became aware of how much she had missed watching him do that, which made this all the harder. She realised there was probably no way she'd get Jack to confess he was retiring because of her, even if it was true. This frustrated her; the man could be intractable and fiercely self-protective.

"So you are going to give up and let us all down?" He heard her anger and tried to deflect it with his own.

"Let you down? This is my life we are talking about here. Don't you think I've given enough already?"

"I didn't mean… God, why do you have to be so difficult?" She shook her head in frustration. "This isn't going the way I had hoped. Can we start again?" She implored.

"Had an imaginary conversation worked out in your head, did ya? Things never go like that." He knew what that was like only too well but was nevertheless unrepentant of his sarcastic tone.

"General… Jack… please let's not argue. I want…" She sighed heavily, unable to express what she wanted and he stared at her mutely willing her to spit it out and get it over with. "Please don't go. Don't leave us… me." He was caught unawares by her small heartfelt confession and could see that she was distraught. "I don't want to lose you Jack. There's been enough loss already." She turned away and he wondered if she was sobbing.

"Sam, I know your emotions are still all over the place because of Pete. Please don't cry." He gently gasped her arms and squeezed, unable to be angry in the face of her sorrow.

"I'm not crying about him… I'm crying about us." She said.

"What? There is no us." He quickly withdrew his hold on her and stepped back. I can't let her do this to me, he thought. Can she so quickly destroy the hard work I've put into isolating myself from her?

"Exactly my point."

She plucked up courage to turn and look at him. Clearly he was aghast at her statement, making no movement or sound until he spoke in a slightly bitter tone.

"There's never going to be an us Sam, you know that."

She couldn't believe what he was saying. No please don't say that Jack, she begged inside.

"Why not?" It seemed a simple question but it had a multiplicity of answers. "you once said you'd rather die yourself than lose me Jack.

"That was a long time ago and in a totally different context."

"And you don't care anymore?" She asked. Had Daniel been wrong? In her heart she believed he wasn't. Jack said nothing, maintaining a stony face. "It never occurred to you that I felt like that too and still do?"

"Sam, you're still getting over Pete. You don't know what you're feeling. Please don't do this."

"Don't say that. You obviously have no idea how I feel. Sure Pete's death upset me but I can live with it. I'm not sure I could say the same if I lost you, or your feelings for me. Don't tell me all that has gone. I've felt much worse than I did over Pete's death, Jack. I've felt worse when you were badly injured, dying or missing. He was never the man, you were; you still are."

He wasn't sure how to react or what to do. Damn! Truth or dare? Nervously she reached her hand to touch him and when he drew back as if stung she gasped her pain at his reaction.

"I didn't realise things had gotten that bad between us."

"You made your choice Sam. It's too late to turn back the clock."

She remembered what Daniel had said about Jack, and her thoughts since then, glimpsing into the wounded soul of Jack O'Neill. The part she had played in inflicting those wounds weighed heavily upon her.

"No!" She exclaimed, "I refuse to believe that. Is that what it's all about; that I chose Pete? I never chose him. I never had a choice because I wasn't able to choose you. I always wanted you Jack. You have never been second best and you still aren't. You aren't the man I turn to because Pete is gone. Pete should never be an issue with us Jack. I love you."

Jack reeled in shock at her words, unable to let himself believe them.

"How can you say that? Funny thing… I distinctly remember you telling me you loved him."

"Not like you. Never like you."

She could see his disbelief. He'd been trying to immunise himself against her and was still fighting his feelings.

"You don't believe me. You don't trust me anymore?" She asked.

"Of course I do." His voice was so quiet she could barely hear.

"Then trust I know how I feel. Trust me, Samantha Carter, not the Lt. Colonel, or Doctor."

How did she know how he felt? Was he so obvious or was it another of those Jack and Sam 'things' that happened from time to time. He had always believed that those moments meant something; maybe he'd been right after all. His previously absent hope started to surface again, but he was too cautious of getting hurt to let it sweep him up in the moment.

"I…" Jack was lost for words.

"Jack I know that you love me." She said it with a lot more confidence than she felt. Fight! She told herself. Screw pride and everything else, this is too important. She could be just as pig-headed as him if she chose to be and, if she lost this argument, she lost it all.

"What makes you say that?" His facial expression gave nothing away but she looked into his eyes and saw everything.

"Are you going to deny it? Deny us? It's time to stop running away. Can you honestly tell me you don't love me?" Silently, he stared at her for a while and she held his gaze, never flinching. His response was very subdued, and monosyllabic.

"No."

Piece by piece she had been dismantling the walls that protected him. Had she truly reached him?

"I know you find it hard to accept my feelings for you. It's as if you think that somehow Samantha Carter is too good for the humble, self-effacing Jack O'Neill." He was surprised by her perceptiveness. "But you need to accept it. I need you to accept it. We can't keep running in opposite directions. I love you and I always did; it's as simple as that."

"I don't know what to say." He confessed, helpless to reply adequately.

"You don't have to say anything Jack. You never did."

This moved him to want to reach out and take her in his arms but he didn't.

"I'm not sure I can… It's too soon Sam. Pete only died a couple of months ago. You still need time to sort out your feelings."

"No, you're wrong; I know my feelings. You want me to come calling in another 6 months to tell you the same thing? We'll have wasted 6 months, Jack, and we've wasted enough time already."

"I don't know what I want." He admitted.

"Oh." She felt disappointed. "I pour out my heart to you and you don't know what you want?"

"Well you seem to know how I feel about everything, so why don't you tell me?" Sam looked hurt and confused by his words and Jack thought, welcome to my world. "I need time. I need to think Sam. I wish things were as simple as you seem to believe, but they aren't."

"Have I just made a total fool of myself?" She asked.

"No, of course not." He couldn't stop himself from reaching out to grasp her hand and squeeze it. "I just… we both need more time."

"Yeah, after all, we've only had 8 years…" Her tone was as sarcastic as his own often was, and he couldn't help but laugh, easing the tension between them. "Look, it's no coincidence that we were bound together in two other realities, or that Thera and Jonah were attracted like magnets. Think about it Jack, please," She paused and a small smile lit her face, "and promise me you won't do anything stupid like resign. We all need you… Sir."

She didn't wait for an acknowledgement but returned his hand squeeze, let go and turned on her heel, leaving behind a very thoughtful, but confused, Jack O'Neill.

Continued in Part 4: Time Will Tell 


	4. Being There Part 4: Time Will Tell

Title: Being There Part 4: Time will Tell

Author: Su Freund

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Angst / Romance

Content Warnings: References to sex and minor use of mild language

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: 8

Spoilers: Chimera, New Order (S8)

Rating: PG-13. There is an NC-17 version on my website

Summary: Jack makes a decision

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Being There Part 3: Not Being There

Status: Series, Part 4/4

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2004 Su Freund

File Size: 64 KB

Archive: My site, Jackfic yes, SJD yes, Gateworld, FanFiction Net

Author's Note: This fic is dedicated to (Lt. Colonel) Trish (Carter) as it was inspired, albeit inadvertently, by a mail from her. Thanks to (real) Major Mark for his advice on the fraternisation regs. Phil has once again made some wonderful art to illustrate this fic on my website, which has been made into a great book cover by Fulinn28. Thanks to Phil for the art and special thanks to Fulinn28 / Bonnie, my beloved beta, whose advice is always useful and helps improve my fic, and for making the cover too! Go check out the fic on my website if you want a peek of this lovely S&J art.

**Being There Part 4: Time will Tell**

Once Sam left, Jack sat down on his couch, oblivious of whatever was on the TV, which he had turned on to distract him. So much for that plan! He kept turning her words around and around in his head. 'I love you and I always did; it's as simple as that'. She'd used the love word a number of times - four to be precise; twice to confess her own feelings and twice to refer to his feelings for her. He wished it was as simple as that. Despite fighting hard to keep his emotions in check, he knew very well that he loved her and was helpless to stop himself, however much he tried to keep his distance.

How could she be so confident of how he felt? He envied that and wished he could be the same. The more he thought, the more he wondered whether he'd made a mistake rejecting her. He pulled down the photo of them together and stared at it, once more pondering that they looked pretty good. Could it really be true? What should he do now?

Cool it, that's what he should do now; wait, be patient and see what tomorrow brings. Patience was not always one of his great strengths although she had done more to teach him to use it than anyone else he'd ever met.

'I pour out my heart to you and you don't know what you want?' She had indeed poured her heart out and he admired her courage. To do that when he had shut her out so effectively took guts. He'd always admired that about her. She was a far braver person than he was or ever had been. He knew what he wanted but didn't have the nerve to take it when it was offered to him on a plate. How stupid was that?

She had talked of alternate realities, of Thera and Jonah, and was right. He'd often contemplated that these events meant they were intended to be together. However, this was their reality, and he didn't really believe in fate. One makes ones own fate, and they had made theirs. Only time would tell whether that turned out to be for good, or ill.

So, should he have let her back into his life now? His answer was no, not yet, not like that. He had been unable to deny his love but knew he was right that they both needed more time, although it was hard to disagree with her thoughts: 'We'll have wasted 6 months, Jack, and we've wasted enough time already'; 'Yeah, after all, we've only had 8 years'. So a little longer wouldn't hurt, huh? He recalled the last time he'd thought that - before he knew it she'd met Pete and he believed he'd lost her forever.

Yet apparently he hadn't lost her forever. His renewed hope breathed some life back into him, and he was grateful for that, despite his wariness. Perhaps his caution was unwarranted, but he could not help his own nature; was unable to throw it to the winds as she had.

He looked up and realised that the hockey was on TV and he was missing it. He didn't much care anymore but it did call to mind that slimy ratfink Daniel Jackson. He'd have that son of a bitch. On the other hand, perhaps Daniel had done him a favour. Only time would tell. He picked up his phone and called Daniel's number.

"Daniel Jackson." The voice on the other end answered promptly.

"Hi Daniel." Said Jack. Daniel cursed to himself, dreading what Jack might say to him and guessing his over friendly tone hid many things.

"Jack!"

"So, she's gone Daniel. Are you coming round for a beer or not?"

Gone? Daniel wondered what had happened. He'd hoped Sam might be at Jack's for the night, that his friend would have relented. Apparently not.

"Are you pissed with me?" He asked Jack.

"Now why would I be pissed with you Daniel?"

At the other end of the phone Daniel gulped. He couldn't believe Jack was just going to let him get away with it and wondered what he had up his sleeve.

"Well, breaking a confidence, talking to Sam, setting it up so you were home… little things like that might have pissed you off Jack."

"Daniel, I don't want to talk about it. Just get your low-down traitorous butt over here and keep me company." This surprised Daniel further.

"You really want me to come around? You aren't gonna ball me out, punch me in the nose, play silly tricks…?"

"Would I?" Jack heard his friend's hesitation and knew Daniel was right that he could easily do any of those three things. "I promise Daniel." He stopped the banter and became serious. "I just need a friend."

This merely made Daniel even more aghast. Jack O'Neill admitting he needed a friend? What had happened with Sam?

"I'll be right over." Daniel immediately cut the call and was out of his door in seconds flat.

Jack answered the door with a beer already opened for Daniel's arrival.

"Nice of you to call round." Jack said with a hint of sarcasm as he motioned Daniel inside.

"How's the hockey?" Daniel enquired, not ready to broach the subject which interested him most.

"I have absolutely no idea." Jack confessed with a slight smile. "Sit down Daniel. I won't bite. I promised, remember?"

"What happened with you and Sam, Jack?"

"I don't know. I told you I don't want to talk about it. I need to think, but not right now, okay? Can we chat about something totally inconsequential?"

"So why am I here?" Daniel asked.

"To chat about something totally inconsequential." Seeing the look of chagrin on his friend's face he added, in frustration, "For crying out loud, can't a guy just want to spend some time with an old friend?"

Daniel nodded his response, deciding not to press his enigmatic friend. He was more than happy to keep Jack company if that's what he wanted; keep him distracted from what was truly bothering him. Maybe he would find out more from Sam.

He was frustrated when Sam wasn't wholly forthcoming either. He told her he'd seen Jack but they hadn't talked about it, asking her outright what had happened. She said that if Jack wasn't talking neither was she and he was tempted to keep on at it but decided not to. She seemed in a much better mood than she had been when he'd talked to her the day before. Maybe that was enough for now. He was pretty sure things would get clearer in the fullness of time; if they didn't, then he would push it.

Jack was also in a much better mood. This state of affairs continued with both of them, peaking Daniel's curiosity, although he refrained from interfering. It seemed to him that the working relationship between his two friends had taken a decidedly upward turn, and that was a relief.

When he asked Jack whether he was still thinking of resigning he replied 'Now why the hell would I want to do that just as things are getting more interesting?' He wasn't sure whether Jack referred to his work or his relationship with Sam. Perhaps it didn't matter for right now as both of them were much happier and that was what he had wanted more than anything.

Maybe they'd both decided they'd be happier apart, but he very much doubted that. He believed it had something to do with Jack's reference to needing to think. Jack must have said something that gave Sam back her hope and she was giving him time to deal with his thoughts. She was a sensible and wise woman to do so if that was what Jack wanted. He didn't respond well to external pressure.

After a couple of weeks watching and waiting, Daniel decided he had to test out the waters and arranged for the four old team mates to get together for a meal and drink round at his place. It was more intimate than going out, which was what Daniel wanted. Both Jack and Sam had been eager to accept. Teal'c had been curious. Daniel and Teal'c had never really discussed the situation with Jack and Sam so Daniel was surprised by his response.

"Are you attempting to become what you Tauri call a matchmaker Daniel Jackson?" He asked, with one of his little grins on his face.

"You don't miss much do you Teal'c?"

"Indeed not." Teal'c acknowledged and added a small bow for good measure.

"Do you think I'm wrong to try?"

"I do not."

"Good." Daniel grinned broadly and Teal'c's mysterious smile widened in response.

"I urge you to approach me if you require assistance Daniel Jackson." Daniel was heartened to know that the Jaffa was on his side and willing to participate in his devious plotting if required.

"I'll do that Teal'c. Thanks."

The night went very well. Jack and Sam no longer seemed uncomfortable with each other as they had until recently. In fact, Daniel thought they got on great, and were even a little flirtatious. The banter between the two friends was like old times. When they all parted, he felt a closeness that had not existed between the four for a long time. It was gratifying that his efforts had led to something positive when he had dreaded they might turn into more of a negative. Things were looking up.

Jack was allowing himself to feel something again, his emotions gradually emerging from the cocoon he'd woven around them so tightly. For the first time in a while he believed it was good to be alive. He was happy that the icy field between him and Sam had been thawing, more and more it seemed.

When Daniel invited them to his place he'd had leapt at the chance to spend some time with her outside of the SGC. He even thought she might have been flirting with him a little. That night he'd gone home feeling happy and slept better than he had for a long time. He wondered whether it was time to take some action, but something still held him back.

Sam was delighted that Jack seemed to accept her friendship once more; it was better than nothing, although not all she wanted. She was willing to wait. Only time would tell what would happen between them. She remembered telling Jack that they'd wasted too much time already and still believed that. However, she wasn't sure how to tell when the time was right. She hoped he'd come to her when he was ready, and that this would happen sooner rather than later.

Daniel's invitation had provided a perfect opportunity to see him informally and make it as clear as she dared that she still wanted to be with him. She understood Jack, and his reticence, although it was frustrating. She'd hurt him a lot more than she'd imagined and was pleased that he even considered forgiving her that. He could so easily have kept his distance forever. That was very Jack O'Neill.

So that night she dared to relax and flirted with him a little, not being too obvious, but obvious enough. He even flirted back. It reminded her of much better times; times she missed desperately. She hoped that their future would be infinitely better than any of those times they'd been close in the past, longing to hold, kiss and make love to him more than almost anything. The gradual thawing of their frostiness gave her hope.

A couple of weeks after the dinner at Daniel's place, Jack opened his front door to a delivery man. He shook the parcel to see if he could figure out what it was but was mystified. Unwrapping it revealed a box and when he opened that he was amazed to find the photographs that Pete had taken of Sam inside, with a note from Jim.

"Jack, I held onto these for a long time, unable to bear to throw them away. Whatever you say about these, they are mostly very good photos of Sam. I know I'm passing the buck by sending them to you to make a decision, but you're the General, so you get paid for making the hard choices. I'm just a lowly underpaid cop so go figure! Thanks for the card and present for the baby. She's beautiful and doing fine and so is Gina. I'd like for us to stay in touch, although we are both pretty bad at that. My wife liked you, which is more than I can say for most of my friends. See you around pal. Jim"

Jack smiled. Nice note. He'd liked them both too and had often thought it a pity that Jim was not still in the Air Force; he might have been a fine man for the SGC and it could be good to have him around in Colorado Springs. What had they called their daughter again? Misty, that's right. Unusual name. Was Gina a Clint Eastwood fan, he wondered? He'd kept a note of Misty's birth date intending to send her birthday presents. Although he might not see Jim and Gina much, if at all, he liked to think they were around and that was one way for them to know he was thinking of them. Jack loved kids. Perhaps he ought to pay a visit to Denver.

He contemplated the contents of the parcel, pouring the photos over his kitchen table to look at again. Jim was right, some of them were great photos, although a little voyeuristic. He looked at each one carefully, his heart leaping with joy at the sight of Sam. He empathised with Jim's dilemma, uncertain that he could throw them out either. Looking at his watch he realised he would be late for work so he threw the photos into a kitchen draw to deal with later.

Later that day he was in the gate room when Dixon and SG-13 dialled home early. Davies said they were under attack and he wanted to be there to see how bad things were. Dixon's team seemed to be as unlucky as the number they were designated. He wondered whether they should skip over the number 13 as a team designation, thinking himself a fool for such a musings.

He and Dave Dixon had talked quite seriously about it one late night in the infirmary when Dixon had returned injured yet again. The guy was turning into a regular Jack O'Neill, although even Dixon hadn't been stricken with that many injuries - yet. Jack didn't know whether to be proud of the fact that he still held the SGC record.

Standing there willing them to appear through the incoming wormhole, SFs cautiously pointing their guns at the event horizon, Jack got another taste of how Hammond must have felt every time this had happened with SG-1. Dixon was nearly as irreverent as Jack was and Jack couldn't help but like the man. He knew Hammond had felt the same about him; a mixture of pride and frustration. Oy! The next thing Jack knew he woke in the infirmary, Doctor Brightman standing over him.

"What happened?" He asked incredulously.

"I'm afraid you were caught by friendly fire coming through the gate Sir. You got hit in the shoulder, and knocked your head as you fell."

"Friendly fire?"

"Sorry General." Dixon's face appeared over him bearing a sheepish expression. "I was firing at the hostiles and… well… managed to fire a few shots through the gate."

"What?" Jack said in disbelief and then laughed. Dixon looked relieved. "That's it! We have to get rid of that SG-13 curse thing."

"Yes Sir." Dixon responded. "You still hold the record General." He added, smiling slightly. Jack returned his grin.

"Thanks Dave. I'm proud."

At that moment Sam almost ran through the door, her anguish evident. She ground to a halt when she saw he was alive and conscious.

"Carter!" He exclaimed. "Nice of you to drop by." He smiled brightly at her.

"General! I heard you'd been shot. Are you alright Sir?"

"Just peachy Carter." All the better for seeing you Sam, he thought. "I've been shot, it hurts a little but I'm fine, aren't I Doc?" He questioned.

"Yes Sir, you will be. You'll have to rest the arm for a few days."

"So SG-13?" He asked.

"All present and correct Sir. We got through the gate uninjured this time." Dixon replied.

"It's good to know I'm still keeping ahead of the game." Jack joked, referring to his tally of injuries, which was a standing joke around the SGC. He reflected that he couldn't even seem to avoid it when his feet were firmly planted on Planet Earth. Oy!

"Aren't Generals supposed to keep out of the line of fire Sir?" Sam asked cheekily, her relief evident.

"Hey, you trying to rob me of my record Carter?" She suppressed her responding titter, but he saw her doing it and smiled. "Aren't you due on a mission any time now Carter?"

"Yes Sir. I wanted to check you were okay first." Jack looked at his watch and tutted.

"You're running behind time Carter. You'd better get to it. Good luck and watch your back."

"Yes Sir." She smiled happily.

Jack always said that to teams before they left and she wouldn't have felt the same if he hadn't. Hammond's farewells were always graced with his 'God speed' thing and Jack was carrying on a tradition with his 'watch your back' equivalent. Jack was big with some traditions.

"Thank you Sir." She turned tail and left hurriedly to meet the rest of her team in the gate room.

Jack felt an overwhelming sense of peace despite his injuries. He was pleased Sam had come to see him before she left. She had clearly been anxiously concerned for his welfare and he started to really believe that she did love him; that he was number one with her. Maybe it was time to bite the bullet. Now there's an ironic expression, he thought.

When he was released from the infirmary, he was ordered to rest at home for a few days. Before being discharged, SG-1 had returned safely from their mission and all three of his old team mates had come to see him. Daniel noticed the pair glancing at each other frequently, and neither tried to shy away from those glances.

Sam took all this as a sign. She had to make another move. So once he was discharged she found herself standing nervously on his doorstep once again. This time he greeted her with a smile and let her in without his previous reluctance.

"I thought I'd drop by to see how you are Sir."

"I'm doing great Carter. Coffee? Beer?" He offered, way more welcoming than her previous visit.

"Do you need anything Sir? Shopping or something?"

"I… that's a nice offer. Thanks. I'll think about it."

"Sit down Sir, I'll get the beer." She scurried quickly into his kitchen. A few seconds later she called, "I can't get these bottles opened Sir. Got an bottle opener?"

"Third draw to the right of the refrigerator." He called back. "What's wrong with your teeth Carter?" He joked.

She stormed into his living room moments later.

"So what the hell are these?" She asked, furiously, throwing a pile of photos at Jack. Doh! He groaned inwardly; they were the photos of her that Jim had sent. In all the excitement of the last few days, he'd thrown them in that drawer and forgotten they were there,

"Have you been stalking me or something? These are a little sick." She pointed to the candid shots of her undressing, taken from across the street.

"How could you think that Sam?"

It hurt that she should accuse him of this. Did she really think he could stoop that low? She was too angry to listen.

"Pete could be weird enough sometimes, and now you…?" Her eyes widened with realisation. "Pete took these didn't he?" Jack nodded mutely and Sam paled. "How could I have even thought…? I'm so sorry."

She didn't know what to say and Jack remained silent, determined to reveal as little as possible now the cat was out of the bag. Sam fought to control her conflicting emotions.

"Where did you get them?" She asked.

"Jim sent them to me."

"I… What…? Why?"

"Why do you think?" He shrugged but his expression told her a lot. "I never wanted you to know. Neither of us did." He wasn't sure how to read her reaction.

"You should have told me. I deserved to know." She was confused, not knowing how to feel. Suddenly Jack moved towards her and curled his good arm around her in a hug. The other arm was in a sling to stop him over using it.

"I'm sorry Sam, I'm so sorry." He whispered as she returned his hug, enfolding her arms around him, relieved to be where she belonged at last, although thoughts of Pete haunted her.

"Jesus. Was he a totally sick stalker bastard? How could I have been such a fool? What must you think? It says a lot about me, doesn't it?"

Jack stroked her hair and back.

"You're worried what I think? Who cares what I think? He gave you what you needed and I couldn't."

Continuing to hold him, she looked into his eyes.

"I care what you think Jack, more than anyone else." They stared at each other and Jack had to restrain himself from kissing her. "You should have told me." She added.

"You were in enough pain already. How could I add to that? Some things are better left unspoken or unknown. I wish you hadn't found them." He cursed himself for not taking more care of where he'd put the photos. How was he to know that Sam would be looking in that draw?

"I'm glad I did. Pete could do strange things sometimes. He got one of his FBI pals to run a check on me once. The nerve!"

"I know."

"You know?" She sounded slightly annoyed, but didn't let him go and he continued to hold her, feeling her warmth in his heart, despite her words. "You knew and never told me?"

"I didn't want to spoil things for you. I didn't want you pissed with me for telling you. I didn't want you to think I was… jealous or petty." She considered his words, nuzzling into his neck, her ire gone in an instant. "So what would you have done if our situations were reversed?" He asked and she had to admit total defeat. He guessed right that she probably would have done the same thing. "I never wanted to do anything that would hurt you Sam."

She pulled away, leaving him feeling cold inside for an instant until she took his hand and led him to sit down on the couch. Tucking one leg under the other, she faced him at an angle and urged him to face her too. Both her hands held one of his.

"So, Jim found the photos at Pete's apartment?" She asked and Jack nodded silently.

"Tell me?" She coaxed.

"Don't ask me that please." He begged, not wanting to describe the huge board Pete had pinned the photos to, or the weirdness of it all.

"You were with Jim that morning after the funeral?"

"Yes."

"At Pete's apartment?"

"No, at Jim's."

"So you didn't see what he did with them in the apartment?"

"No." It wasn't a lie.

"I have a right to know. You want me to remember Pete as someone different to who he really was?"

"So the guy was obsessed with you? Who could blame him?" Jack joked and a faint smile crossed her lips.

"But there's obsessed and obsessed, right?"

"I guess." Jack said, chuckling.

She shifted position, urging him to put his arm around her so she could bury her face in his chest. Jack obliged, at last willing to allow his feelings some freedom. Her hand stroked his neck and he squeezed her in response. He could never have described how it felt to feel her love for him in her fingertips.

"I'd been thinking of finishing with him. I knew something wasn't quite right." Jack was surprised by that revelation. "He could be great company but sometimes… he could be way too possessive and jealous, wanting everything to go his way. He wasn't like that at first, but as time went on he showed a side to him that made me uncomfortable, and I tried to ignore it. It always seemed to be me who had to bend to his will. I thought relationships were about compromise. When he was killed I felt guilty about wanting to dump him, about doubting him. Maybe now I don't need to feel that way."

"Then if it helps you perhaps I should be glad you found out."

"Sometimes I wonder if I only stuck with him to spite you Jack. You were so calm and understanding about the whole thing; it was infuriating." His eyebrows raised with his surprise at her confession.

"You wanted me to behave like a jealous Neanderthal?" She tittered at that.

"Kind of, I guess."

"You told me he was too possessive. You don't like guys being possessive."

"It's negative sort of behaviour Jack, but I want you to possess me." She leaned to kiss him and he stopped her. "Jack?" She questioned.

"I want to possess you too Sam. Although, frankly I'm a little against the humans possessing other humans thing, you know?" He smiled. "I want us to be together Sam. Can you be patient for a couple of days for me to sort something out first?"

She wondered what he had to sort out, hoping that he hadn't found another woman that he would be dumping to be with her. She quickly dismissed the thought as ridiculous, knowing at heart that Jack wasn't interested in any other woman but her. He was that sort of man; loyal and faithful. It was something almost unique and truly wonderful in her experience.

"What?" She queried.

"Now what did I say about patience? Can't I keep any secrets anymore?"

"No." But she smiled as she spoke.

They held each other without making any attempt to take it further. Sam was content with that for now; she knew it was going to be alright. More than anything else she longed for him to tell her he loved her, even though she knew he did. She wanted to hear the three words from his lips. She could wait, if that was what he needed.

Later, she made some dinner for both of them and, eventually, reluctantly left him to go home. She was surprised to hear that Jack had disappeared to Washington for a couple of days while he was off duty. He said nothing to her. Was it something in Washington that he had to sort out before he truly committed to her? She longed for his return.

Jack entered Hammond's Pentagon office and saluted smartly.

"Sir."

Hammond smiled, pleased to see a man he considered a friend as well as one of his officers.

"Good to see you Jack. At ease and sit down." He indicated a chair in front of his desk. "How are you son?" Hammond's eyes indicated his arm.

"It's only a precaution Sir. It's pretty superficial really. But I'm sure you've read the report. Nice office."

"Its George, Jack, and yes, it is quite some office isn't it? How's yours?" Hammond's eyes twinkled as he spoke.

"Well, you know me and offices Sir…. ermmm… George. I have to spend way too much time in it."

"You don't think you can get away with taking it all along to the mess anymore?" Jack smiled. He didn't even realise Hammond had noticed; he'd never mentioned it before. "Paperwork getting to you Jack?" Hammond enquired.

"Not at all sir." Hammond could see the sarcasm in Jack's face.

"Missing the action?"

"Well, there's more of that than I anticipated sir."

"Only because you think you need to do everything yourself." Admonished Hammond. "So, to what do I owe this visit son?"

God bless George, Jack thought. Not only did he get quickly to the point but he was trying to encourage more informality between them.

"I have a request Sir, a personal one." Hammond said nothing, indicating that Jack should continue. " I don't quite know how to put this..." Jack was suddenly filled with nerves. If Hammond said no he was screwed.

"Then perhaps you should just spit it out Jack."

Jack looked embarrassed and fumbled his words. Hammond could not recall having seen Jack genuinely embarrassed before.

"Umm… It's the fraternisation regs Sir." Surely that was enough for Hammond to guess what he wanted. Jack sought to say as little as possible.

"Ah!" Hammond looked serious. "What took you so long?" Jack reddened even further in response.

"It's never been the right time Sir."

"And it is now?"

"I hope so."

"What's changed Jack?" Damn, Jack thought, he had to ask? He sighed.

"Nothing like that Sir. There's nothing… untoward, if that's what you're thinking. Not yet." Jack pondered that he and Sam had probably breached the regs quite a few times over the years because of their close friendship, but Hammond already knew that and this was different.

"I know you better than that Jack."

"Sir." Jack acknowledged Hammond's confidence in his honor. "I know I'm still her CO but our working relationship has changed. It isn't as close as it was when we were on the same team. Things are just… different. I figured… I was hoping you could make an exception Sir. It's within your power."

"I need to question why I should Jack? I hope you understand that." He stated flatly. Hammond knew the two had feelings for each other but how would it impact on the SGC if he made that exception? Jack nodded.

"I would too, if one of my people came to ask me the same thing. General, this isn't intended to sound like a threat, but I could just resign."

"You've thought about that?"

"Many times."

"It's serious then?"

"I want it to be, but I'm not about to risk Sam's career to find out."

"What about her Jack?"

"You know I would never pressurise her into anything. I wouldn't take advantage of someone under my command like that."

"I never even thought for a moment that you would."

"Oh! I… I think she feels the same, Sir, and I'd like the chance to find out for sure."

"I'll have to think about it Jack."

"Of course Sir. Thank you."

"How many times do I have to tell you it's George?"

Jack shrugged; old habits die hard.

He knew it wouldn't be the first time exceptions had been made. He'd heard about such things happening and the regs allowed for it. Maybe he should have asked Hammond years ago, but he had never believed it was the right thing to do, not until now.

"So you flew all the way to Washington DC to ask me that?"

"Fancy a bit of small talk do you George? Played any golf lately, been fishing?" Jack smiled and Hammond laughed, as much at the cheeky grin on O'Neill's face as at his words.

When Jack returned to Colorado Springs, he waited anxiously for a call from Hammond, not even telling anyone he was back yet. The next day, Hammond called him at home and, to Jack's relief, gave them his blessing.

"Thank you Sir."

"You've done so much for us Jack and never asked for a damned thing so this is the least I can do. Don't forget to invite me to the wedding."

"Yes Sir." Hammond thought he could actually hear Jack's smile but figured he was imagining that. He wished he could see it though.

Jack was grateful that Hammond had made his decision so quickly, and that it was in his favour. Now he couldn't put this off any longer. The Doc rebuked him when he showed up for work, but had to admit that his wound was healing well. It had been superficial, particularly on the Jack O'Neill injury scale. She'd spent a great deal of time reading his medical history and was surprised the man was still alive. He defied medical convention. However, she knew that Janet Frasier had been an superlative doctor and hoped she was living up to that example.

SG-1 were on a mission so he had no choice but to wait, anxiously. He was often on edge when any teams were off world, dreading that something bad would happen, and SG-1 were special to him. He couldn't help those feelings. His unease was amplified by what he wanted to discuss with her when she came home.

Jack was brief and business like in the gate room when SG-1 returned and Sam was surprised when he approached her just outside the infirmary. He didn't normally go there unless one of them was injured.

"I take it the Doc's cleared you?" He asked.

"Yes Sir, I'm fine."

He walked with her along the corridor towards the lift.

"Are you going home after the debriefing?" They were due a debrief in half an hour. He would make it as short as possible.

"Possibly Sir."

"Are you doing anything tonight?"

She stopped walking and he stopped too, turning to face her questioning gaze.

"I might have a long hot bath."

"I… we need to talk. Can I come round? I'll buy pizza." He smiled nervously and her stomach churned with anticipation. At last he was ready?

"I'd like that… Sir." She replied with a smile and he nodded briefly, leaving her to ponder further.

Jack was nervous and excited when he turned up at Sam's with a bottle of wine in hand. He had debated buying her flowers but thought that was probably too much. Next time. He hoped there would be a next time, fairly confident there would after their previous conversation.

"So, what you thinking Jack?" He was pleased she skipped the Sir, General formalities and thought: I'm thinking I want to hold you, kiss you, make love to you, and be with you. All he said was, "I was wondering the same thing."

"I asked first. Do you know what you want now?" Her question made him smile.

"I always knew what I wanted Sam, I just wasn't sure it was the right thing, or what you really wanted."

"I thought I'd been pretty clear about what I wanted. I haven't changed my mind. I still feel the same way." She replied, taking his hand in hers.

This time there was no shying away and after last time she hadn't expected that to happen; even so, she was relieved. He squeezed her hand in response, touching her face tenderly and pulling her into his arms, kissing her at last. As he probed with his tongue he thought she tasted sweet. Man it felt good. When he drew back she looked into his face and eyes, caressing his hair.

He could feel her tremble at his touch and figured that he probably trembled too. She traced her hand down his face to his neck and he closed his eyes, wanting to feel every movement of her fingers. When he opened them again she was smiling and leaned to kiss his neck. He felt her breath brush sensually across his skin and sighed with pleasure, taking her head in his hand and tilting it so he could possess her mouth once more.

There was no need for more words to pass between them because they knew what lay in each other's hearts. He led her to the bedroom and gently started to strip her naked, whispering "Are you sure?" and searching her eyes for confirmation. She answered with a kiss of her own; it was some kiss.

On her dresser stood the photograph of them at his barbecue, in pride of place. The picture of her and Pete was no longer in evidence. He smiled at her, acknowledging he'd seen it and she grinned back, happy he was pleased.

It had been a long time since Jack had been this close to any women and he was surprised by his nervousness but Sam's tenderness and passion overwhelmed his senses. The gentleness between them turned into frantic need and desire and they devoured each other hungrily, desperately yearning to get closer and closer; to merge as one. Their lust burned brightly, the sexual tension that had lay between them for so many years setting them alight.

To Jack's dismay his desperate need ensured his efforts were over far too quickly, leaving Sam unsatisfied. Although he rectified that, he thought their lovemaking had been a disaster and it troubled him deeply.

"I'm so sorry Sam." He said when she was spent.

"It's alright Jack." She tried to reassure him but he recognised it for the palliative that it was. She didn't want to hurt his feelings. A man like Jack O'Neill found such an answer unacceptable.

"Not, it's not alright Sam." He wondered how good in bed Pete had been, how he compared with the much younger man. Knowing that these black thoughts could ruin them he tried to force them away, but couldn't. "Never pretend with me Sam. Never."

She stroked his cheek tenderly, guessing how he might feel. He needed to know that some things were more important than perfection. Despite the lack of it, their love making had felt good, not awesome, but very good nonetheless. Opening her mouth to tell him so, he stopped her by speaking first.

"It's been a very long time for me Sam. I… I couldn't stop myself. I'm sorry." He kissed her softly on the nose, wanting absolution for his sin. She said nothing but merely pulled him closer.

Sam considered Jack's situation. She had no idea how much sex or companionship he'd had over the last few years; he was a man, after all, and a pretty secretive one as far as his private life was concerned. Men have needs and generally manage to fulfil those somehow, often much more casually than women. She guessed, however, that he'd been fairly solitary and lonely, just as she had been before Pete. Poor Jack. She tried hard to bite back that pity knowing it was the one thing he would find totally unpalatable; nearly as bad as betrayal on the list of things he hated. However, her words gave her thoughts away.

"You've been alone for a long time, Jack? I'm so sorry."

He did not respond with words but instead sat up on the side of the bed, head in hands, looking forlorn. He cringed away from her touch but she persisted.

"I don't want your pity Sam." He declared simply.

"I know."

All those years of wanting her and fantasising how great they would be haunted him. She knelt behind him, her arms around his torso, absently playing with his chest hair and then she kissed his neck and shoulder and leaned forward to do the same with the side of his face.

"I'm sorry I disappointed you." He whispered softly. "I wanted…"

He started but couldn't voice that he had longed for perfection, to be the best. If he was the best perhaps she would never leave him. Who was he trying to kid? He'd be past it way before her. There were many things more important than sex on a relationship. He tried to comfort himself with that thought. He and Sara had maintained a very satisfying sex life and he'd got the impression he was pretty good at it. Maybe next time would be better.

"Me too." She confessed and he brought himself to turn and look at her. "You're making too much of this Jack. All we gotta do is practice."

She smiled brilliantly, one of those smiles that he couldn't fail to return, whatever his mood. Her smile was infectious. He hoped she was right and let her pull him back to a horizontal position on the bed, where she held him close to her. He had missed the feel of those arms around him. It was one of the things he considered more important than the sex itself. He had a long list of those.

"You know that bath I said I wanted? Wanna share?" She suggested a while later.

"That sounds really good Sam."

She ran a hot bath with lots of bubbles, urging him into it first. They lay enjoying the feel of each other, Sam between his legs, her back sprawled up the length of his torso and head on his upper chest. Neither felt the need to speak much. Jack expertly massaged her neck and shoulders, his touch soft and sensual.

"I love you Sam." He whispered softly in her ear, his warm breath sending shivers down her spine. He had spoken those three little words at last and Sam sighed blissfully, tilting her face towards his and drawing him into a kiss.

"Wanna practice Jack?" She murmured and he started to caress her breasts and kiss her neck.

"I hope I make a better job of it this time." He admitted, nervously.

"You worry too much Jack. Relax. Perhaps I need to massage your neck and shoulders."

"Hmmmmm… sounds great."

Jack caressed her lovingly, moving his hands softly over her body through the water.

"I wanna kiss every inch of your beautiful body." He said.

"Well we can't so any of that lying like this. I'll give you the massage, if you'll keep your end of the bargain. Let's get out of here."

Reluctantly he let her go and followed her out of the bath. She held a towel in her hands and slowly started to dry him with it. No woman had ever seduced him with a towel before, but he could call it by no other name than seduction.

She wouldn't let him touch her further but coaxed him onto the bed, face down, and started to massage his neck and shoulders as promised. Then she moved onto his back, interspersing her hand movements with small kisses and licks across his shoulder blades and down his spine.

"It's my turn." He said softly, turning around to face her and pulling her down onto the bed horizontally.

He started by kissing her face and neck and moved down her shoulders. Occasionally he would lovingly nip her skin with his teeth. He took it slowly, determined to make love to her properly, as she deserved. Holding to his promise, he kissed almost every inch of her.

"That felt… pretty special Jack." She told him as she started to do a little fondling and kissing of her own.

"You're a very special woman Sam."

This time their lovemaking was extraordinary, for both of them. Jack knew it had been great, fantastic even, and that fact warmed his soul, consoling him for what he considered his earlier disaster. She understood that no words were required but still needed to tell him how she felt anyway. Men's egos could be fragile and she knew this was very true of Jack O'Neill despite his bravado. She needed his ego on one piece.

"Jack, that was… was… indescribably amazing." He smiled shyly, stealing a small kiss.

Later she spoke again, something she felt was important to say, unsure whether this was the right time to state it or not, but plunging on regardless.

"Don't ever believe I'll compare you unfavourably to Pete, Jack, because there is no comparison in my heart. Or in bed for that matter."

Jack had gone way beyond anything Pete had ever done or had probably even been capable of. She hadn't realised that sex could be as good as that. He pushed back so he could regard her face.

"Oooo…kay… do you mind read as a side line Samantha Carter?" He asked.

"Only sometimes." She tittered. "But don't tell General O'Neill," She whispered conspiratorially, "The poor man will never get through all the paperwork." Jack chuckled.

"I'll try to remember not to mention it." He bit her shoulder teasingly.

"I don't want you to think you have to live up to a dead hero Jack. I love a perfectly wonderful live one and have wanted to be with him for as long as I can remember."

"Oh, and who is this man? Should I be jealous?" He joked, deflecting from her flattery. She would not be side-tracked.

"I'm serious Jack O'Neill. You're one heck of a man." He reddened a little and she thought it typical that he should get embarrassed by such praise. He looked very cute when he was embarrassed.

"I'm just a guy Sam."

"Not just a guy Jack but my guy. General Jonathan 'Jack' O'Neill; my guy. I'm not even sure I can find the right words to tell you how I feel about that, or about you. I'm so in love with you Jack."

Her beautiful blue eyes glistened with moisture as she recalled that after all these years spent working on the same team, the ups and downs, the arguments and irritations, and he could still make her heart beat faster when she saw him across a room. He loved those eyes.

"I'm very much in love with you too Sam."

His chocolate brown orbs sang that loud and clear, his feelings so apparent in his expression. She had always loved his eyes too. They say the eyes are the windows of your soul and she thought she had never seen this demonstrated in any man more clearly than in Jack O'Neill. She was probably kidding herself about that as she was hardly unbiased in her opinion of him.

"You're quite a woman Sam."

"I'm proud you think so because your opinion means so much."

He felt his emotions wanting to overwhelm him and his breath caught in his throat. It had been too long since he had felt able to let them lose and express them openly. Years of suppression took it's toll.

"Will you stay the night Jack?"

"I'll stay forever if you want."

"Forever sounds good." She grinned.

"Thank you Sam, for finding it in your heart to love me."

"You still aren't sure why I do are you?"

"Not really, but at least I accept that you do." He kissed her affectionately.

"I need to give you something General O'Neill." She said, leaving his side, and the room, briefly and returning with an envelope in her hand. He felt a chill while she was gone.

She handed it to him. It was addressed to General O'Neill and when he read the contents it became apparent that both her verbal and written reference to his rank had been deliberate. It was a letter of resignation from the US Air Force. Jack stared at it open mouthed, and then at her.

"Sam?" He managed to blurt out.

"Neither of us want to breach the regs Jack. I know we already have, but we both know that we won't be able to live with it. I don't want to risk our relationship and want to be with you more than the rest of it." She was blushing slightly, a shy look on her face.

"Sam… I… I don't know what to say."

He was overwhelmed. She would give it all up for him but he could never let her do that.

"What if it doesn't work between us?"

Taking her into his arms, he held her close so that she couldn't see his emotional reaction to her sacrifice. He knew how important her career was.

"I'm willing to take the chance. They need you in charge at the SGC, and…"

"Do you think you have to prove something to me?" His voice shook and she pulled away because she felt a sudden urge to look at his face. He was visibly moved by her sacrifice. "I won't accept it."

"You have to."

"No I don't, I'm your CO." He tore the letter into pieces.

"Jack!" She was aghast. "I could go above you to General Hammond." Jack thought the General would find that very amusing in the circumstances but said nothing about that.

"Your resignation would kill our relationship eventually Sam. Besides, there are alternatives."

"Jack." Her fingers reached to stroke face and he leaned into her hand, kissing her palm. "So what do we do?"

"We don't have to do anything." She looked surprised. "I've already done it." Her eyes widened even further.

"You can't resign!" She protested.

"Not that! I asked Hammond to make an exception and he agreed." He smiled smugly.

"W… what? You bastard! You let me got through all that about the letter and we haven't even been breaching the regs?" She wasn't really angry with him and he knew it. "Oh God, I love you Jack O'Neill!" She exclaimed happily, taking his face in her hands and planting him with a gigantic and sloppy kiss.

He had never been so confident of her love and understood that it ran much deeper than he had ever dreamed. The notion thrilled him and he looked into her eyes.

"Hammond wants to be invited to the wedding." He ventured, a cheeky grin on his face.

"W… wedding?"

"It's the ceremony that joins two people together for life Sam." His face was more serious now.

"L… life?"

"I want to spend my life with you. Forever, Sam."

"Yes, yes, yes, yes!" Her smile made his heart beat just a little faster.

"I take it that's a yes then?"

Jack O'Neill was going to be a handful. She knew him so well, yet he still remained a mystery. She wanted to get to know the real Jack O'Neill and was happy to dedicate a big part of her life to fulfilling that quest. Life was about to get a whole lot more interesting.

The End

Su Freund 

Visit my fan fiction webpage at:

Stargate SG-1 Fan Awards 2004  
Best New (Ship) Author  
Best Angst (Sam/Jack): Understandings and Misunderstandings  
Best Hurt/Comfort (Sam/Jack): Not Letting Him Down 


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